Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Saturday, 9 June 2007

image for Jack Kevorkian joins War on Terror; Opens Hotline for Depressed Suicide Bombers
Dr. Kevorkian doing his part on the war on terrorism

Phoenix, Arizona - No longer an advocate of assisted suicide, Dr. Jack Kevorkian announced that he has opened up a suicide prevention hotline in the Middle East and Iraq for depressed suicide bombers. It is his hope that suicide bombers will call in and discuss their problems, instead of blowing themselves up.

Having helped hundreds of people commit suicide in the past, Dr. Kevorkian now wants to use the prospective of a suicidal mind he has gained over the years to serve his country in the war on terrorism.

In the few days since he has opened the suicide bomber hotline, Dr. Kevorkian has personally taken dozens of calls.

"It's a start," said Dr. Kevorkian. "We expect a trickle then soon a flood of calls as the word of our services spreads among the suicide bomber community throughout the Middle East and Iraq. The real trick will be advertising as all business now is drawn in by word of mouth and our current success rate is about fifty-percent."

Dr. Kevorkian and his staff know when they are successful or not almost immediately, often only having to listen in on the other end of the phone.

Apparently, the vast majority of his calls, call from their cell phones while on their suicide bombing missions.

Dr. Kevorkian and his trained staff therefore are working not only against a brainwashed individual bent on his destruction, and that of others, but time itself as the caller draws near and near to his designated target.

"You can't use any delay tactics, either," said Kate Jones, a British member of his international team. "That wouldn't be cricket, now. Would it? Besides, they can pickup on the insincerity right of way. All you can do is depend on your training and hope for the best."

Reflecting on cell phone calls as being the hardest type of calls to take Dr. Kevorkian says: "They are the hardest to take. Often you're just left there hanging on the line. You don't really know if you succeeded or not. Not until the suicide bomber on the other end decides on what to do next. I mean up until that point you have said and done all that you can. All you can do then is wait and listen."

Unfortunately, too often Dr. Kevorkian and his staff wait in vain only to hear a near deafening explosion in the background.

"You know then that you've failed," continued a somber Dr. Kevorkian.

"On the other hand," perked up Dr. Kevorkian rather quickly, "If there is absolute silence, then I ring my little bell, see [rings little bell but it is silent. Missing the little dong], or I chalk one up on the big board.'

Literally, as Dr.Kevorkian and his staff have erected a rather large tally board titled, "Number of Suicide Car Bomber Prevented Today," using small magnetic cars with tiny mushroom clouds to keep track of their failures, but oddly enough nothing to represent their successes.

"I already told you what we use for that," said a rather perturbed Dr. Kevorkian, apparently, alluding to the ringing of the little bell that was broken.

Read Update: Jack Kevorkian rolls out his anti-suicide car bomber intervention crisis team

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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