Written by Le Captain
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Topics: Kevin Keegan

Monday, 3 March 2008

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It has been strongly suggested today via various sources that Newcastle United manager and former England supremo Kevin Keegan, has run away.

Journalists interviewing Mr Keegan's legal representative, Mr. Barry Grogan outside St James Park in Newcastle this evening have been told that Mr Keegan's exact whereabouts are as yet unknown. A tearful Mrs Keegan, observed outside the family villa in Spain, was overheard by a BBC representative to shout out to passers-by "he's only been and gone and done it again the little...I bet it's that McFerguson's done him again the swine".

"Mr. Keegan left the club bar in his little red Mini car early last Friday evening", said Mr. Grogan, "He left in something of a rush after a fretful and some would say slightly discordant training session, saying he was off out to get some sweets and pop, but did not return for the long planned evening <<crisis meeting>> with the board and supporters association. We have no further news at this time. Thank you."

However, reports from a representative of the Melbourne Age newspaper have suggesed that Mr Keegan was spotted on a beach on Nukulaelae, one of the Pacific Tuvalu Islands earlier today by an Australian tourist, a Mr. Ray McCorran of Woomalloo: "This little bearded guy in sunglasses was shouting at me in a weird accent from inside a kind of little Wendy House on the edge of the beach just earlier there, asking if they played FOOTIE around here. I said I reckoned they favoured the old Rugger not the Footer and he seemed to calm right down straight off. Funny little geezer, about 4 foot tall with silvery hair, must have been a local. Some guys took him away later on."

Mr Keegan's Newcastle team has gone through what some would call a "bad patch" recently, having lost several games in a row, with Mr. Keegan looking increasingly tense as time has gone on throughout a very difficult period.

Mr. Tezza McDermott, Assistant Manager, recalled: "To be honest Kev has been getting increasingly concerned about the lads' defensive performances and their inability to take chances, plus the fact that he was convinced he was three inches shorter now than when he took over. Last week he was hanging upside down in the showers with two 20 kilo bags of gravel lashed to his shins and shouting the word "length" over and over. We were all a bit concerned. Mrs Grady from marketing had to be sedated."

Mr Freddie Shepherd and Mr Mike Shirt, leading representatives of the Board of Directors are reported to be flying down to the South Pacific by Lear Jet via Dubai, in order to "determine what the situation is on the ground". Mr Alan Shearer is reported to be ready to "step in for this great club if needs be". NUFC shares plummeted 24% on the news.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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