Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 31 January 2008

image for Denis Wise Appointed as Newcastle United Director of Football in Latest Toon Disaster
Wise likes a good laugh; he should enjoy himself at Newcastle

Newcastle United have taken the unlikely step of appointing Leeds United manager Dennis Wise as the Director of Football at St James Park, a move that is certain to raise a few eyebrows on Tyneside.

Wise, who in the 1980s, famously helped vandalise the Blue Peter garden along with ex-Newcastle striker Les Ferdinand, knows little or nothing about football, and may have been brought in to cheer the players up with his 'chirpy style' and wicked sense of humour.

Magpies' boss Sir King Kevin Keegan appears to have known nothing of Wise's appointment, a situation made clear when the manager took his seat in the dug-out at Arsenal on Tuesday, saw Wise and asked:

"What brings you here, Dennis?"

Newcastle owner Mike Ashley and chairman Chris Mort are believed to have had a meeting with Wise last weekend, and were impressed with his wit and cheeky face.

Wise was renowned in his Wimbledon days as a prankster, and according to hardman turned filmstar Vinnie Jones:

"Dennis always made me laugh."

Wise, it seems, was preferred to the fans' obvious choice, local folk hero and record goalscorer Alan Shearer, because he is far funnier, whereas Shearer is dour and hardly ever laughs, making him the perfect foil for Gary Lineker and Alan Hansen on Match of the Day.

Lineker said today:

"I think football will be more fun on Tyneside with Dennis in charge, though probably a lot less successful."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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