Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 23 February 2008

image for Mental Gazza To Sign For Newcastle
Gazza rowing to St James Park today

Mr Paul Gascoigne, the former Newcastle United mental patient, has had talks with Magpies' manager Kevin Keegan, and is expected to sign a contract later this afternoon.

Keegan has had a fit of sympathy for Gazza, who was arrested after a drinking session in Newcastle this week, then immediately sectioned under the Mental Health Act, because he is mental.

Newcastle haven't won since Keegan took the reins, and he feels that Gascoigne will add that elusive spark to the team, and can instil into the players a 'winning mentality' sadly lacking from their recent performances.

Newcastle fans were jubilant at the news of their former hero's return. Lifelong Magpies' fan Albert Madbastard, 93, said:

"Aw, mental! Gazza's back! Let's have a drink!"

Another, Colin Mental, 143, told BBC Radio Newcastle:

    "Come here, maw little Jacky
    Now aw've smok'd mi backy
    Let's hev a bit o' cracky
    Till the boat comes in."

Keegan himself was more guarded about the signing, preferring to wait until forms had been completed before celebrating the news. He said:

    "Dance ti thy Daddy, sing ti thy Mammy
    Dance ti thy Daddy, ti thy Mammy sing
    Thou shall hev a fishy on a little dishy
    Thou shall hev our Gazza when the boat comes in
    Mental!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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