In a shock move designed to shore up Newcastle's leaking defence, Kevin Keegan has signed ace centre back Freddie Shepherd (63).
According to Keegan, Shepherd is ideal for the attacking style of football Newcastle fans crave.
"Fred will have one job and one job only. He straddles our goal line and it would take a helluva strike to get past that fat arse. Shat will look after the top half of the goal as Freddie is past his best when it comes to leaping about."
Freddie was ecstatic at the move.
"It's a great move for me. As soon as I heard Newcastle were interested there was only one place I wanted to be. Sadly I couldn't get a flight so here I am."
Newcastle fans were unavailable for comment.