Written by Philomen Osborne
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Monday, 21 January 2008

Keegan today revealed how very hurt he was at how standards had dropped at Newcastle.

''I want attractive and exciting football here to match the passion of the fans, however this will take time and as a realist I vowed last time that if we couldn't win silverware, I would make sure we had damn high crockery standards. This included Wedgewood in the Boardroom, Aynsley bespoke in the Corporate boxes and a practical Belleek Basketweave in the players lounge.'

''I am livid that breakages over the last ten years have not been replaced and we have a typical Freddy Shepherd inspired mishmash of make do and mend. I am appalled to discover whole sets of TAMS mugs and Steelite Dishwasher safe appearing throughout St James' Park''

An effete Kevin added, ''It's just not fair - I have a hard enough job to do on the training ground without this added pressure.''

The Chairman was unavailable to comment but today the club press office announced that unlimited funds have been provided for Kevin's plans and this includes any domestic and interior design changes he cares to introduce.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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