Jade's New Show - Supermarket Sweeper

Volte-faces and TV comebacks are two-a-penny of course, but the return of the Goodies is something else! After the tear-stained (onion-flavoured glycerine) outpouring of remorse and despair over her spoilt lifestyle, Jade has vowed to work in her local supermarket in a move reminiscent of Audrey Hepburn taking the veil in The Nun's Story (only Audrey was taking the convent route rather than Quik-Save).

In a newly-commissioned show for Chav TV (proprietors Jadiey and Jackiey Goodiey), Jade is going to run a small Essex supermarket (proprietors Jadiey and Jackiey Goodiey) with a staff that will be horribly familiar to all her fans (sic). Specialising in fatty meats is weight-watching sensation Rik Waller, 44; while on the returned DVD and strait-jacket counter, Ken Russell, 96, will preside with avuncular slippers.

Other key members of the Jade's team are Danni Sherri-Lloyd, 8, and Jo O'Minger, 57, who are in charge of Indigestion Medicines, Cigarettes and, of course, Race Relations.

In a shock move designed by programme makers (all recently 'let go' by Endemol, incidentally) to grab viewers tightly by the gonads, the visiting health, safety and etiquette inspector is none other than Shilpa Superstar!

Viewers are warned to expect scenes of prolonged violence, fury, vilification, feigned remorse, crocodile tears and finally well deserved obscurity.