Jolie receives humanitarian award

Funny story written by Frank Cotolo

Wednesday, 12 October 2005


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Jolie: the sexiest recipient of a humanitarian award ever.

NEW YORK - Angelina Jolie showed up at the United Nations in New York City and it was a good thing, because she was just in time to be given an award for her humanitarian work as a goodwill ambassador for the United Nations refugee agency.

"We were surprised," said an official spokesperson from Jolie's entourage, which included three donkeys and five old rickshaws. "No one expected the U.N. to give an award for such grueling, tedious work. Goodwill is hard to spread, especially in countries where there are rebels and cut-throats and villains."

The U.N. gave a dinner reception that was attended by 700 diplomats and VIP guests, none of which brought any cake for desert. Jolie received the honor, called the Global Humanitarian Award from the United Nations Association of the U.S.A.

Once dragged on to the stage to hold the strange, greasy statue, the Oscar-winning actress said that her humanitarian work has been "the greatest thing in my life," aside from her two children.

Both of those children she adopted, beating out five couples who did not have one Oscar-winner in the family.

Jolie has a four-year-old son named Maddox, who was adopted from Cambodia, where the name Maddox is among the most popular given to four-year-olds.

She also adopted a daughter from Ethiopia named Zahara. She is an infant and like all infants cannot use eating utensils.

Jolie said she wanted so much to live up to the promise she made when she became a goodwill ambassador. It has been four years since she went to the office of the U.N. High Commissioner for Refugees and said that as an ambassador she wanted to make sure goodwill was served with every meal and that goodwill would help the starving communities forget hunger and be happy. She also said she hoped no one in the world would ever die again.

"Ms. Jolie wants to do everything possible to help refugees all over the world because they deserve every bit of our effort," said the Jolie spokesperson, who carried a Swiss Army Knife. "None of us who work for Ms. Jolie put in any effort. It is all her. How she carries all of that goodwill around with her through miles of unchartered territory is amazing. She is a goddess with breasts that everyone admires."

Jolie fondled her award and quoted from the preamble to the U.N. Charter. In it, she read that "faith in human rights" is more important than anything Brad Pitt might say and, she said, "the U.N. is the closest thing to fighting for justice."

Ms. Jolie was escorted back to her seat by a bevy of young nubile women who adore her and hope that someday they will be adopted by her.

"I feel very, very privileged to be a very small part of it," Jolie said back at her table, where all of the breadsticks had already been eaten.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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