Terrorist Newscast Debuts on Internet

Funny story written by Felix Minderbinder

Tuesday, 27 September 2005

image for Terrorist Newscast Debuts on Internet
The terrorist anchorman

ROME (AFP)-- An Internet video newscast called the "Voice of the RepublicanCaliphateParty" was broadcast for the first time on Monday, purporting to be a production of an international terrorist organization. The anchorman wore a turban and beard as well as an ammunition belt.

The anchorman said the video report would appear once a week, then presented news about his attempts to steal the oil resources of Iraq, Central Asia and Iran. A copy of The Wealth of Nations was placed by his right hand, and his table was piled with greenbacks, treasury bills and miniature barrels of oil.

The origins of the broadcast could not be immediately verified, yet it seemed to be a terrorist production, which marked a change in how the group was now using the Internet to spread its messages and propaganda.

Direct dissemination would avoid editing or censorship by television networks, which air only slanted and enthusiastic excerpts of the group's statements and avoid showing gruesome images of its killings.

The broadcast was first reported by an Italian news agency from Dubai. The 16-minute production was then available on Italian newspaper Web sites.

The anchorman also said that all enemies of the greenback will be annihilated if they don't keep using the popular currency, and promised "Total Jihad" against the enemies of the Party. The ad was in English, suggesting that the target audience might be all of the people living outside of the United States.

"You all had better keep buying our T-bills too or my people could stop consuming like pigs and devouring everything in sight, and going greater and greater into debt," said the mysterious announcer.

"If you cause a real estate and stock market crash, I'll start lobbing my nuclear weapons around too to take the rest of the world down with us," he warned. "My military officers are just as crazy as I am."

After watching the video, Professor Felix Minderbinder, head of the Department of Psychiatry at the Harvard Medical School said that the terrorist "was greatly disturbed."

"That guy is a psycho, a real nutbar, and I think I've seen him around before somewhere," he added. "Any freak like that now has access to the Internet."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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