Written by Noddy Bigears

Tuesday, 19 April 2005

image for Russian Internet Dating Special - Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice Gets Her Man
Condoleeza Rice Gets Her Russian Man!

WASHINGTON - Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, visiting Russia ahead of her guardian President Bush, sees hopeful signs of obtaining a visa for her forthcoming marriage to President Vladimir Putin to be held in Israel later this month. Western women are flocking to Moscow to pick up a bargain Russian husband. According to KGB sources, Russian men can offer western women more than just a powerful hug in their bear skins.

Western men have become progressively more and more obese over the last 2 decades and frequently, as a consequence, are unable to satisfy neither their partners' physical or intellectual needs nor well being. Russian men on the other hand can live well on just $40 per month pocket money and have often an enormous tolerance to the big freeze otherwise known a woman's' sustained emotional blackmail which often leads to Western marital breakdown and divorce as well as Western men laughably asking for half their money back later.

Academic Condoleezza Rice, started cruising the international internet dating sites after she was unable to find a suitable US partner in the White House. She was overheard recently discussing her dilemma in the local Starbucks' coffee shop with ex colleague and friend Monica Lewinsky now featured fondling a pig in the British reality show ‘The Farm Animals', "He asked you to do what with a cigar! - and then he ruined your new dress!?" The inadequate social skills, intellectual shallowness and crass behavior of other US Presidents and politicians has been noted elsewhere including her own guardian, President Bush wearing silly hats at election rallies or still reading children's story books.

Russia has produced a huge range of intellectuals and President Vladimir Putin will be considered one of the financial geniuses and statesman of the century as he has successfully sold all the state assets and then confiscated them back in the name of the KGB state university, the so called YUKO strategy. Condoleezza Rice, a fluent Russian speaker, herself said "My message there is that a democratic, vibrant and prosperous Russian man is close to every woman's interest and makes her heart throb" and added, "internet blind dating is so exciting, I did not know that he was the Russian President, just that he was some kind and sweet guy with a great sense of humor, music knowledge and fantastic intellect as well as a great awareness of the second hand market value of nuclear weapons grade plutonium."

Rice is set to arrive in Russia, Tuesday for further amorous talks with President Vladimir Putin and Russia's defense and foreign ministers as they are loath to lose a key nuclear family man. Afterwards, Rice & Putin will attend a prenuptial NATO ministers meeting in Lithuania setting out the nuclear marital agreement although they are expected to have a bit of free time to walk hand in hand in the local parks and feed the pigeons.

However, many Russian women are suspicious of Washington and feel it wants to curb their country's development and influence abroad by taking their men's balls away but Rice said "she would stress the benefits for the Russian economy and its relations with the West if it improves its democratic record of free access to Russian men for Western women."

Guardian President Bush and Putin had held a rather awkward initial encounter in Slovakia in February when Bush suggested that most Russian men were alcoholics and unemployed scroungers worth nothing at which point they could both see that they had so much in common. As the meeting closed, Bush insisted that Putin will have to come and live in the White House after the marriage until everybody is sure that he really is a good oil man. Putin countered that Russian men had abandoned totalitarianism for good and had embraced marital democracy so why couldn't they live at the Kremlin in Moscow after all.

Despite all the careful preparations, Ms Condoleezza Rice is expected to express concern about the Kremlin's consolidation of media power and has asked for constraints on the media in the period before and during the marriage service. She will be given away reluctantly by her guardian, President Bush at the Russian Orthodox Church service in Israel later this year.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Marriage, Internet

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