In spite of reassurances that nuclear plants are completely safe, some panicky citizens continue to fear nuclear disaster.
As talk show host Rush Limbaugh put it on his radio program, "Barack Obama showed what a wuss he is by ordering a Federal Review of all nuclear plants in the U.S., while Californians stocked up on potassium iodide. Pussies, scared of a little radiation. Well, we all know Californians are not real Americans anyway. I personally will not be taking any potassium iodide. I will, however, continue to abuse the hell out of oxycontin."
The panic appears to be due to a little incident in Japan, one we're sure will blow over and be forgotten in no time.
FOX News puppets, er, pundits, Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck, say the media is overhyping the crisis in Japan.
O'Reilly explained, "Liberal socialist queers are overblowing the story. Eww, bad choice of words. I didn't mean to say that anything is going to blow up. Nothing's going to blow, I swear, except the liberal media, of course."
Beck says Nazis are behind the Japanese incident, while Michael Weiner Savage, rabid radio host and former lover of Allen Ginsberg, boldly blames the incident on a Muslim plot.
"I've been warning you for years about Islamic Fascist Nazis," he yelled on his program. "They've infiltrated the U.S. presidency, now they're infiltrated nuclear plants to make nuclear power look bad! Wake up, you sleeping pathetic vermin! It's an Islamic bloodbath! Incidentally, my new espionage thriller "Islamic Bloodbath" will be out from St. Martin's Press this May. If you love the Japanese crisis, you'll love my book."
Senator Jeff Bingaman (D-NM) allayed fears on ABC, saying "We've had nuclear power for years. It's worked. It will continue to do so. Nuclear power is perfectly safe. Until a meltdown happens. In layman's terms, everything is fine until it all blows up. But, hey, what are you gonna do? Nothing's perfect. Just sleep tight and enjoy yourself until that day comes."
Gregory B. Jaczko, Chairman of the U.S. Regulatory Commission, told reporters today that such concerns are completely unfounded. "Sure, a huge meltdown is going to happen in the U.S., someday, but so what? It's statistically not likely to happen in your backyard. Say it happens in Alabama, which is a pretty likely spot to explode. Well, most Americans don't live in Alabama, do they? As long as you don't live in Alabama, you're fine.
"And if you do live close to a plant, you'll probably be one of the lucky ones. You'll be vaporized so fast, it'll be like you never existed at all!
"The likelihood is you won't have to die in a nuclear firsestorm. We have enough safety safeguards to put off this hideous disaster for another generation or two. It's far more likely your grandkids will be the ones to die a horrible death, not you. So sleep tight and let them worry about it. After all, your grandkids are annoying and disrespectful, right? So fuck 'em.
"Look, nuclear energy is worth the risk. We tamper with doom and destruction because it's worth it. Sure, we screw around with Mother Nature. But it's worth it to get power, so we can all enjoy great shows like Jersey Shore. That's really what this is all about-putting off an inevitable nightmare long enough so we can be the biggest pigs we want to be. I'm sure future generations will understand perfectly. They'll see us as every bit as sympathetic as Caligula and Nero were. If there are any future generations, of course."
