Barack Obama Gets Hands-On In Egyptian Crisis

Funny story written by Masheded

Monday, 31 January 2011


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Obama: "I can take the heat. Whats for deserts?"

President Obama shocked the World and the American Nation today with this unprecedented announcement during a live press briefing from the White House.

The US President made the following statement:

"My fellow Americans. Today is a very important day in the history of our great nation. For too long, we have stood by and watched the tyranny of dictators, and the usurpers of dictators, go unchecked. Today I say to you America, America will no longer stand by idle and watch these self elected totalitarian governments flourish. Preparations are being made, now, as I speak, for Air Force one to be immediately made ready for take-off. Further information will be released as we are able to give it.

God Bless America."

Although confronted by a barrage of questions from reporters, including our foreign correspondent Erskin Quint, the president simply turned his back and walked out. Erskin followed, but to no avail. He has promised the spoof readers to write a separate report on this part of the day's events.

As the most powerful man in the western world left the White House surrounded by secret service agents, speculation as always was rife on The Hill. Our spoof journalist; Bureau, squeezed his source and told us the following:

"Its the worst kept secret on The Hill that the President isn't going to Iraq. Or Afghanistan. Or to that crazy son of a bitch in N. Korea. He's going to Egypt."

Whilst taking a well deserved sunny break, (on a busman's holiday) our spoof reporter the Queen Mudder was able to glean the following insight from an administrator, soon to be hung for treason.

She said:

"President Baraka Obama has been fortuitous in his promise to do something, although, I don't remember what. But whatever it was we agreed to do, and that we all agreed that "yes we could" do it, if we could all agree on what that actually was; we knew it was what he wanted us to do. We all just took his word for it. As it turns out, he's got his own agenda."

It seems the President truly was not just speaking for Americans, or the World, but Egyptians too. Reports have been ever present about the presence of American dollar bills in Cairo, Alexandria, and all other major cities. Our long standing exec Colonel Juan was there, training local militia in a mercenary capacity, as he often does in his spare time.

His source in Cairo told us:

"The people of Egypt heard the President when he told the world "yes we can", and went along with it whole heartedly. Everybody here is furious that people across the globe don't acknowledge that the US ruler is not Hawaiian, or African. He is Egyptian by descent. In fact, he is the last male in the line of the ancient Pharaoh's, and his coming has been foretold for millennia."

With this revelation, the spoof contacted our in house Egyptologist, who also writes regularly for the spoof, amongst other stuff, that were all quite glad of, but don't really understand. Mark said:

"Having studied the many statues of ancient rulers in the Valley of the Kings, such as Khufu and Tutankhamen, I can say with a fair amount of certainty, that these claims by the Egyptian people may well have some merit. Although not much is known about the fall of the ancient civilization, its widely accepted that descendants of the royal line fled to parts of the African continent. This would tie in with the known lineage of the president."

As events move quickly, we contacted our mole in the Egyptian Embassy, who also writes for the spoof. Direct via video link, our "man in the sand" was able to reveal the following top secret sensitive inside information. That will probably result in his arrest by the morning. (GMT). Mike The Lad revealed:

"The whole gang fuck of a she bang has been set up for longer than America has been America. I mean, for god sake, when you find pyramids in south America, than Obama turns up, it's not hard to put 2 and 2 together. Those pony riding Bedouin and sand trout of the desert have known about this all along. C'mon you god am sobs, why do you think every dollar bill has a pyramid and an eye on it? Egypt will be the world's new capital, the dollar bill will be its currency, and that guy that sits in the white house is goanna be pharaoh."

If these claims are true, does it spell disaster, or a new beginning for the New American Millennia? Our reporter and fellow hack Chris James, who has a regular business spot with news station CUNN, took time out from his busy schedule to give the following insight:

"Well, it is true that that asshole Billy Grates and his Microsorft company have been sniffing round the sands of Egypt, much like an oil man looking for a dirty little oil man hand-shake. Reports from geological surveys suggest a high silicone content in them there sands. Egypt could be the new Silicon Valley.. Of The Kings of course, eh hem."

The Spoof's Stock Market analyst, Hawkings Chair, has been watching developments closely:

"So it seems that Barak Obama could be ruler of the new Dubai, exploiting its rich resources to make a utopian government where he himself will rule. But instead of oil, sand doesn't need to be drilled. He can literally scoop his economy from the floor onto the scales, and then" (burgh)...

At this point Hawkings chair needed to recharge his batteries, and promised to post the rest of his statement on twitter.

But even if The president is able to fulfil his audacious plan, what will this mean for the rest of the world? Outside of the suss posed direct influence inside of the political sphere outside of some of the so called neo conservative diplomatic candidates' political circles, anybody who seeks a reprieve from the legion of goddamn sycophants that currently follow the president round like a pack of hungry dogs, can expect a shock.

Our Washington correspondent, Katrina Frogpond2, E-mailed in the following report:

"The atmosphere around Washington has been palpable since the president's address. We all knew that Egypt was goanna be on the cards soon, but not this soon. The general understanding is that he was sick of these "God'amn honkeys telling him what to do. And as the first black American President, he wanted to do as he god' am pleased, just like the president in Kiefer Sutherlands 24". It seems Barak realised he was still just goanna be a puppet of the white honkies."

If reports are to be believed, than President Obama will have to win over the Egyptian dignitaries and population in order to be accepted as pharaoh. But white House make-up artists, and full time spoof journalist; Esmeralda11 and Lady Godiva, confirmed the Presidents desire for Egypt. They said, often giggling and looking very demure:

"Barak, or ObamieBaby, as we like to call him, has been playing dress up with us, hasn't he?"

(Although the two girls were un-distinguishable beneath the silken sheets, it was clear that they both had a giggle.

They went onto say:

"He made us put eye make up on him, and call him Pharaoh. Then he called us over and said: "I have returned, Pharaoh Obamasuxunamun". And then he'd say...."

{our legal team advised us to discontinue this interview}

But what will the American Military have to say about this? We contacted our Spoof American Navy Wartime Correspondent; Chapra93.

Chapra confirmed the following details:

"As far as the military are concerned, they still work for the president of the USA. If the president says he's taking up office in Cairo, Egypt, then they will follow. If he gets re-elected, we may have to build a new pentagon in one of the pyramids."

As farfetched as an idea this seems, our own geologist expert Ellis In Fields gave his own twist on things. He said:

"It's not impossible to build a Pentagon inside a pyramid. But we must remember that there are certain mathematical problems that first must be overcome. I stayed up late last night putting the formula together, and I'm now able to present it..."

(By the time Ellis In Fields had finished explaining, wed ran out of time)

Will this mean a return to Pharisaic Egyptian rule, just like in Christ's time? It seems the president has already ensured a solid power base; in time for this much prophesised coupé. Experienced Spoof reporter Fankie J gave the following excuse for his reason of absence from The Spoof.

Rumours have circulated that Frankie has been absent for health reasons, but new reporter Masheded discovered this just wasn't the case. Frankie said:

"I've always known that Barak Obama wanted to go to Egypt. We went 'one on one' on the basketball courts at high school. I remember going round his foster parent's house. He had all the star wars figurines, so you knew he was goanna be special."

"It wasn't long before he started getting interested in girls. One night, we all went out and got really drunk. Barak bet me that I couldn't wrap myself in toilet roll and pull the hottest bar worker. Needless to say, I didn't pull. But Baraka spat Jack Daniels on me, and started to chant incomprehensible words, in an incomprehensible language. I think he wanted to make me his slave in the afterlife. I thought he was going to light me a fire!"

Whilst writing this report, the spoof satellite link rang to the voice of our very own Skoob; known confident of everything that's pretty much going on anywhere. He said:

"Frankie J has been in on this Baraka malarkey for ages. Possibly eons. The whole world knows that Barak has got a little dick. That's why he's going to be a one term President. Frankie J has put himself forward as High Priest of the new Egyptian Administration. In Washington terms, that's Vice President. Frankie knows also that, as long as the rest of the government have small dicks, he might be in for a say. Frankie gave me this interview, and I'm very grateful for it."

But as Skoob basks in his new possible found middle east career, Frankie J still thinks he just not very well hung. He said:

"Yeah sure, it takes 10Lbs of pressure to take a prick from a pelvis, but I don't think Skoob would past the test. I mean, he wants to be on the staff doesn't he? Maybe I'll make him high priestess.."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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