Feets Don't Fail Me Now! US Evacuates Americans From Cairo

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Monday, 31 January 2011

image for Feets Don't Fail Me Now! US Evacuates Americans From Cairo
The Luxor Hotel and Casino has a location in Egypt, apparently.

Americans who were living in Egypt are getting the f--k out of Dodge, in record numbers, while the U.S. and other, lesser governments scramble to evacuate their citizens from Egypt as L.A-style riots, looting and lawlessness spread across a nation struggling to overthrow a leader that it only took them 30 years to realize was a dictator.

(1) St. Helena, a volcano in Washington state, is where Mussolini was exiled to after the War of 1812. Don't you know anything about History?

(2) The Riots on Egypt began as soon as the populace learned that Officers Koon, Powell, Briseno, and Wind were acquitted for beating Rodney King.

(3) CompuServe was the way people downloaded illegal DVD Torrents in the 1940's. In 1980, Compuserve was acquired by H&R Block, who promptly ran the company into the f--king ground."

"I know of the riots that are going on, and I have heard your cries. Well, as much as I can hear them while hiding from you f--kers in sauna of my palatial estate," said Honsey Moobarik, Egypt's Dictator-for-Life during his annual State Of The Desert address. "To prove that I am a benevolent dictator, today I have asked for the resignation of my entire cabinet. Postings for the now-vacant Ministry of Agriculture and Land Reclamation, Ministry of Civil Aviation, Ministry of Communications and Information Technology, Ministry of Culture, Ministry of Defense and Military Production, Ministry of Education and Ministry of Electricity and Energy will be on Careerbuilder by close of business today."

"With Vice-President Omar Suleiman and Prime Minister Ahmed Shafik replacing Vice-President Ahmed Shafik and Prime Minister Omar Suleiman, great change is to occur," said Mubarik, while Google-mapping how far Saint Helena(1) is from Egypt. "That's good enough, right? OK, case closed. Go about your business."

"We want the fall of the regime," the entirety of the population of Egypt responded, in unison, while rioting.(2)

While many foreigners expressed solidarity with those pushing for democratic reform in Egypt, many also said they preferred not to get shot in the f--king head while experiencing the political change firsthand.

"I'd like to have a front row seat to the upcoming Egyptian regime," said Patty Cakes, who, inexplicably, left the United States to seek her fortune in Egypt. "But with all the looting and destruction, Cairo looks like Camden, NJ during Memorial Day weekend.

Passengers crowd the departures area on Sunday at Egypt's Cairo International Airport, which launches tens of commercial flights per year.

The U.S. Embassy in Egypt said it is making arrangements to evacuate Americans to nearby, safer locations, fully realizing that no American is safe in any country between Turkey and Turkmenistan. Charter flights are due to begin taking off today, with the first plane landing in Cyprus. U.S. citizens will have to reimburse the government for the cost, the Embassy said.

One of the groups not being rescued from Egypt is the Augustana College School Band, in Sioux Falls, S.D., who have been on a musical tour of Egypt.

"Someone decided to conduct a musical tour of Egypt?" said President Obama. "If they are that stupid, f--k 'em, we're just thinning the herd."

Communication with Egypt residents is nearly impossible: Mubarak's regime cut off most Internet and phone service on Friday to try to prevent protesters from using Facebook and other social media to organize demonstrations.

"Riot Today, Cairo Mall, 2-1-2011. Bring Firebombs!: RSVP Yes - No - Maybe.
Like - Comment - Share
," read one posting.

"The Ghost Of Anwar El-Sadat poked you - Poke back" read another.

"Connectivity and cellular availability was almost non-existent," said an ABC News reporter, who bungie-corded himself to a turbo prop airplane just to leave the area. "It was almost as bad as trying to use an iPhone."

"I have cutting edge, Egyptian technology," said one Egyptian. "I couldn't sign on to Compuserve(3) with my 14.4 baud modem, no matter how tightly I put the phone into the acoustic coupling cradle."

Interestingly, there were still thousands of Egyptian men finding a ways to download tranny videos from Youporn, and jacking-off on Chatroulette, despite the outages.

In an effort to quell Egyptian dissatisfaction --and hasten a reprieve for his almost-certain trial and execution, Mubarik took to the airwaves:

"In the course of my life I have very often been a prophet, and have usually been ridiculed for it. During the time of my struggle for power it was in the first instance the Egyptian race which only received my prophecies with laughter when I said that I would one day take over the leadership of the State, and with it that of the whole nation, and that I would then among many other things settle the Egyptian problem."

"Their laughter was uproarious, but I think that for some time now they have been laughing on the other side of their face. Today I will once more be a prophet: If the international Egyptian financiers in and outside Europe should succeed in plunging the nations once more into a world war, then the result will not be the Bolshevization of the earth, and thus the victory of Egyptry, but the annihilation of the Egypt race!"

"What? Too soon?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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