A Bush in the Hand is Apparently Worth Two Birds

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

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Willy Hempstead

Reported cryptically by William Hempstead from Kingston Upon Thames, U.K., accountant and winner of the 2008 Twit of the Year Awards, a bush in the hand has indeed been found to be worth at least two birds.

Traveling with other improperly dressed and socially oblivious accounting professionals from Britain and the U.S., Hempstead was one of four international Twit of the Year runners-up from this year's competition. Whilst the top three finishers did manage to complete the final obstacle course, reportedly mechanical engineers all, affording them an all-expense paid trip to the Bahamas. Hempstead and his runner up peers failed however to successfully reload a common desk stapler as the final task, but did win a glorious weekend in Newark, New Jersey as a consolation prize. On the good side of Newark, apparently.

Though advised against venturing out from Benny's Hourly Suites Motel without armed escort, Hempstead and two compatriots took a walking tour dressed for a plaid adorned English Summer. Suffering a bit from the January temperatures, the three managed to discover rare wildlife just three blocks away from the hotel. Apprehensive but still fascinated, one local creature with long hair and a purple spandex pants grabbed Hempstead's hand and placed it firmly between her legs. Though Hempstead was reportedly caught off guard having no experience with local customs, he was heard to reply, "Good to meet you as well".

Though attractive financial terms were apparently discussed with the other two on holiday while William begged for them to stay, both chose to flip Hempstead the bird as they took a return track to the hotel.

Hempstead was found safely an hour later with a smile on his face, a broken calculator that he carelessly left in his back pocket, and a story for the lads back in the audit department. "The boys left me on the streets with nothing but a couple of one finger birds, but they were still worth the bush in the hand in the end", says Hempstead. "Now if I could just figure out what this burning and itching sensation is all about."

Hempstead claims that after experiencing the local wildlife, she had offered him a rhyme as a parting thought for the day, reportedly saying, "Next time don't be silly, wrap little Willy". "I still don't know what that meant", said Hempstead, "but I did enjoy the repartee".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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