British tourists missing, feared dead in Australia

Funny story written by Sidney Bollocks

Saturday, 13 November 2010


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Alright, you can have them back. Please, somebody, take them back...

A young British potato farmer and his book keeper wife are missing in Australia. Police fear they may be dead. The couple's Australian-based uncle, Sidney Bollocks, is helping police with their investigation.

The couple, who disappeared into the bush during a day trip, had been touring around South East Queensland with their uncle, stopping occasionally to take photos of tractors, combined harvesters and root vegetables. According to their uncle, they had seemed unimpressed with a series of majestic waterfalls, mountains and a smorgasbord of native wildlife, which they had seen throughout the day.

Late in the afternoon, Mr Bollocks phoned the police to report the couple missing. He described how they had decided to go for a walk into the bush, but had not returned. Mr Bollocks stated that he had gone into the bush, calling out to them, but desisted as he did not want to wake the koala bears. He could only conclude that the poor young couple had been dragged deeper into the bush by dingos, just like the Chamberlain baby in the 1970s.

When police arrived at the scene, they found Mr Bollocks sitting by his 4WD, shovel in hand, repeatedly saying to himself "fuck John Deere, fuck Massey Ferguson, fuck New Holland, fuck farmers".

A police spokesman said that, whilst there was no evidence to refute his account, they were treating Mr Bollock's statement with some caution. He went on to say, "The farmer is described as being of slight build, around 75 kilos and balding. His wife is described as being a pasty looking redhead, built like a brick shithouse and weighing in at 110 kilos. If dingos were responsible for this, then they were either crossed with St Bernards or they could drive a fucking tow truck".

Mr Bollocks has not yet been charged. He was last seen heading home, laughing incessantly to himself and with a case of Belgian holy water under his arm.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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