Live 8 Makes Poverty History, Breaks Previous Records

Funny story written by chris finch

Tuesday, 12 July 2005

image for Live 8 Makes Poverty History, Breaks Previous Records
Sir Elton John makes his 'O' face

LONDON, ENGLAND -- Organizers agree, Live 8 is making poverty history. Britain Prime Minister Tony Blair saluted the musicians involved for their tremendous accomplishment.

"Before this concert, million of people lived in poverty," Blair said. "Now, thanks to your high priced tickets and albums, even more live in poverty. You have truly made poverty history!"

Bono and Bob Geldof have called the political outcome of the concert "amazing", after the world's superpowers pledged $50 billion to help the world's poorest countries.

"I haven't felt this good since the Joshua Tree album," Bono said. "To know that we helped set poverty records all around the world. This many people have never been so poor at one time.

"And with the money governments have taken away from their own poor and donated to poor people in other countries, now everyone has a happy, robust poor feeling."

Both men praised the efforts of the thousands of people who supported the concerts worldwide, claiming United States President George Bush and Tony Blair were forced to listen to so many voices.

"Now that we've broken previous poverty records, we intend on making history in all sorts of things," Geldof said. "I'm looking to make hunger history now. Maybe this time I'll ask for Hollywood's help. I bet we could have so many people starving if we really try that we'll make hunger history in one day too."

Nigerian President Olusegun Obasanjo, the chairman of the African Union, said: "I don't get it. We thought they were going to try and do away with poverty, instead they've made poverty levels raise to new records around the globe."

Sir Elton John, a Live 8 performer, says he is confused. "I thought they wanted to end poverty, not break records for levels of poverty. When I found out what was going on whilst I was performing, I was stunned."

Others say they think Live 8 fell far short of the hopes of millions inspired by the global Make Poverty
History campaign.

"I am disappointed. I went to one of the concerts and blew all of the money I had. I bought overpriced t-shirts, overpriced booze, exotic drugs. I was broke as a joke when it was all said and done. I guess I expected more people to do what I did. I really wanted to make poverty history just like Lance Armstrong is making cycling history," Bill Dickau of Deluth, Minnesota said.

"A great justice has been done," Geldof said at a news conference with fellow campaigner Bono, the U2 lead singer.

Bono said, "The world spoke out and the politicians listened. Now, if the world keeps an eye out, they will keep their promises."

A promise of keeping everyone in poverty and to continue making poverty history.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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