Written by Creepy McSordid

Thursday, 19 May 2005

PARIS -- France's population is growing much faster than expected and could reach 75 million by mid-century, in an ongoing attempt to irritate all Americans.

The most recent census revealed the country's rate of population growth has risen steadily over the last 15 years and is now at a level - 0.68 percent annually - not seen since the early 1970s. France's citizens have decided to capitalize on one of their two social tendencies: random casual fornication (smoking cigarettes being the other national past time). The result of this constant fornication is a growth in the French population, with a birth rate of 1.9 babies per woman, according to the country's statistics office, Insee.

"Why should Middle East nations get all the credit for causing Americans such social headaches and hardship when we are more than willing to annoy those Yankee bastards?" asked Transport and Development Minister Gilles de Robien in the newspaper Le Figaro last Thursday. There was no official word whether France is considering an increase in the manufacture of soap and personal hygiene products in light of this population explosion. Initial reports do not look favorable.

If the predicted increase takes place, France will replace Germany as the EU's most populous country. This is wonderful news for the culinary schools worldwide but of course, very unfortunate for the automotive industry not to mention the two-month Munich holiday which is Oktoberfest.

Britain is set to fall from 59.4 million to 58.9 million which can only be beneficial as it is apparent to the rest of the civilized world the UK is a rather small island in the North Atlantic. Overcrowding in Britain has been known to lead to even more condescending sneers cast toward nations across the English Channel; for those paying attention to the British people, this can be construed as mildly tiresome.

Falling populations and increasing life expectancy have created widespread concern across the European Union over how to finance welfare and pensions in the coming decades, with warnings that immigration will be the only answer. We can only hope the EU is not looking at the United States in any way as an example of how to solve these difficult problems. Since 1967, the American government has so thoroughly fouled the future of its own comprehensive health plans and its financial welfare that many U.S. citizens are considering complaining even more loudly while expressing a sense of greater entitlement as a nation.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: France, Americans

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