Judge Rules Undocumented Canadian Immigrants Are Legal Because They Are Not Brown

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Monday, 9 August 2010

image for Judge Rules Undocumented Canadian Immigrants Are Legal Because They Are Not Brown

A Federal Judge in Arizona ruled today that Canadians that enter the United States without proper documentation are not to be considered illegal aliens.

The landmark case of Dion, Lavigne, Morissette et als. v. The United States, featured some fiesty diliberation by attorneys for both sides before Judge Helen Waite of the Second Circuit Court of Appeals.

The Court's opinion was rendered just an hour after oral argument concluded, and read in pertinent part:

...The issue that is before us is whether a law established to prevent the wanton immigration of Mexicans into this country be applied to Canadians as well.

This Court finds that it can not.

For well over two centuries, this country has seeded the garden of cultural diversity by welcoming the disenfranchised populace from those middle-European countries that were teeming with caucasians. These persons were willing to learn our language, pay their share of taxes, and hate the same people that we as Americans hate.

And Canadian immigrants, seeking to live in a country whose northern half isn't a frozen wasteland, and whose military isn't the punchline of a global joke, have continued that noble tradition.

...It is the sinister Mexican immigrants who are unwilling to adopt English as their language, and who wish to steal away careers as hotel maids and fruit pickers from Americans. It is the Mexicans who continue to eat rice with breakfast, and artifically inflate the value of 10 year-old Toyota Corollas in the used car market.

And it is Mexicans that refuse to stop being brown.

And until Mexican immigrants are willing to eschew their culture and adopt ours, this Court has not choice but to ensure that undocumented immigrants continue to be treated as criminals in the United States, even though so-called illegal immigration has never been a criminal offense.

Canada has littered popular culture with detritus such as Shania Twain, Keanu Reeves and Bryan Adams. And while we thank them for Kristin Kreuk; it is for Celine Dion that Canada can never be forgiven.**

It was that last sentence that confused many Americans.

"Shocking, huh, gringitos?" asked Manny Ramirez, a busboy at a coffee shop in Washington, DC. "Contrary to public opinion, illegal immigration is only a civil wrong, not a crime."

Rudy Guiliani said as much during his Presidential bid in 2004: I know that's very hard for people to understand, but it's not a federal crime," Giuliani said, adding later: "I was U.S. attorney in the Southern District of New York. So believe me, I know this. In fact, when you throw an immigrant out of the country, it's not a criminal proceeding. It's a civil proceeding."

(Editor's note: Why is Rudy Guiliani such a demigod in America? I mean, he was mayor of New York City on September 11, 2001, and terrorists knocked down the two largest structures on the East Coast. Plus, does anyone remember that he was the U.S. Attorney who couldn't convict John Hinckley, who was filmed by 248 cameras shooting President Reagan?! Google it: The man who put a bullet in Reagan's belly has no criminal record. Seems to me that the score is: Murderous Scum, 2,598; Rudy G., 0.)

In fact, Arizona's Draconian anti-Mexican law is the first attempt in this country to criminalize undocumented immigration. Think about it: Have you ever heard of anyone being "convicted" of entering the country illegally? Nope, because the law treats it as a Tort, not a crime --no different from trying to get through airport security with 12 ounces of mouthwash; you won't go to jail for it, but they will kick you off the plane.

In the wake of this decision, public reaction has been mixed:

"How can Canadians be considered the same as Mexicans," asked 78 year-old Marty Graw, of New Orleans. "They're much darker."

"Look, Mexicans are OK, I guess," said Mary Christmas, of Cincinnati. "Is there any way we can deport the blacks?"

"Odio este país," said Jose Jiminez, of Cuidad de Mort, Mexico. "Pero TV por cable es mucho mejor aquí."

**In contrast, we can forgive Mexico for 2 or 3,000,000 extra day-laborers when they've provided us with Jessica Alba, who tries to look white; Salma Hayek, who tries to look under 60; Demi Lovato, who tries to act; Selena Gomez, who desperately needs to get out of my dreams, and into my car, and Adriana Sage, who is kind enough to eat knobs on film for money. So, thanks!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more