Obama's Long-Form Birth Certificate Raises Troubling Questions

Funny story written by Zabdgrov667

Thursday, 24 June 2010

image for Obama's Long-Form Birth Certificate Raises Troubling Questions
Obama's mother, "Stanley Ann," at an "organic mind expanding cafe" in Amsterdam

AMSTERDAM, HOLLAND - "Birthers" have long contested Hawaii as Obama's place of birth because of "Left-leaning" efforts to hide nearly every document related to his past. The short-form, or "live birth," document repeatedly cited by administration officials provided an insignificant amount of data. However, a Dutch document from "The Freaky-Deaky Dutch Clinic and Emporium for Powdered Enlightenment" reveals many shocking details of Obama's birth and is definitive proof that Obama was not born in Hawaii.

US citizenship is not the problem. An American woman giving birth to child on the border of Switzerland and Italy does not give the baby "Half-Swiss/Half-Italian" citizenship. Instead, the most "troublesome" question is: Can offspring inherit traits of "mental instability" or "lack of clear judgment"?

It is well-known that Obama's mother was born with the first name "Stanley" (full name: Stanley Ann Dunham). If you think that naming a girl "Stanley" seems like a crazy thing to do in the middle of Kansas (USA), then you would think correctly, and you could attribute the "crazy" to her father.

Unfortunately for "Barry," weird child-naming seems to have been a trait inherited by "Stanley Ann." The young woman took an "intense" interest in "exotic" cultures, and at the time when "Barry" was born, the interest was in Nepal. The result? "Barry" is hand-written on the Amsterdam Long-Form Birth Certificate in SANSKRIT. Although it appears that Sanskrit was "discouraged" by officials, the presence of multiple languages in Europe meant that the language used for birth names was not restricted.

Next. Although his father may have been "Barack Obama (Sr.)," the child name (translated from Sanskrit) on his Amsterdam birth certificate indicates:

"Barry Unicorn Revolution Avenger Chelsea King"
(or B.U.R.A.C.K. Obama)

Many people (including those outside the medical profession) believe that the young "Barack Obama" may have been named during a period of "Parental Hallucinogenic Pharmaceutical Usage" (PHPU). In turn, this raises the concern of how much "recreational drug use" occurred during pregnancy, and the possible negative side-effects.

Numerology experts examined Barry's name as written in Sanskrit, and found that it coincides with the number 666. We will never know if this was intentional or accidental, but religious authorities find it disturbing either way.

Obama's father, a Muslim, was apparently an alcoholic, and this habit cost him his life in an automobile accident. To be fair, Barack Sr. may have been driven to alcohol as the result of living with "Stanley Ann." A person that knew her when she was pursuing a Ph.D. in Anthropology remembered her as "that weird crazy-talking white woman." The opinion seems to be reinforced by the fact she left her young boy with "the grandparents" and a Communist pervert (Frank Marshall Davis) so she could wander around third-world-countries.

Experts in child development have considered the small amount of evidence regarding Obama's formative years: abandonment by two father figures, multiple name changes as part of moving to distant and very different social settings, and living with adults that were obsessed "revolutionary anti-capitalist political theory" (as opposed to adults that talk about weather and sports). The general consensus was that LARGE amounts of therapy were critical for Barry Obama, or Barry Soetoro, or Barack Hussein Obama, or "Unicorn Revolution Avenger," or anything else his mother called him. Otherwise, anger and insecurity issues could be serious problems in adulthood.

Political experts have provided a surprising explanation for Obama's secrecy on his birth certificate and other records:

"It makes perfect sense. You mother's a lunatic - you can still get elected. Your alcoholic father got himself killed - you can still get elected. You did drugs all through high-school and college - you can still get elected."

"However, if the voters find out your mother named you 'Barry Unicorn Revolution Avenger Chelsea King' - NOBODY will EVER vote for you."

After a year and a half as US President, Americans are getting EXTREMELY restless over promises where Obama has failed to deliver, and his lackluster leadership in unexpected crisis. He may be smart, but maybe the White House should follow the advice of doctors skilled in psycho-analysis: Get a thousand hours of professional therapy and GET IT SOON.

Note: Depending on the traumatic nature of Obama's childhood, he may need 20 or 30 YEARS of therapy.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more