Louisiana Gets the Almighty Blow-off: Pillar of Fire in Gulf Quotes Pontius Pilate

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Monday, 21 June 2010

image for Louisiana Gets the Almighty Blow-off: Pillar of Fire in Gulf Quotes Pontius Pilate
Annointed with oil: Jesus' face appears on slick. Visage to be sopped up with gigantic Shroud of Turin.

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana - Mixing church and state had explosive results when senators in Louisiana designated Sunday as a day of prayer dedicated to "finally putting an end to the disastrous Gulf of Mexico oil spill, for Pete's sake," according to state residents.

Louisiana state Republican Sen. Robert Adley won unanimous approval of the resolution on Wednesday, which called for people of all faiths to pray for divine intervention this Sunday to help stop the oil spill, or to at least smite a few Blackwater Petrol executives with boils, or something along those lines.

"Thus far efforts made by mortals to try to solve the crisis have been to no avail," CNNetwork News reported Adley saying in a statement released last week. "It is clearly time for a miracle for us."

To keep more oil from the Blackwater Horizon leak from reaching the coast, the federal government had already authorized Blackwater Petrol to set a "controlled burn" on the same Sunday.

When the slick was ignited, "the boom transformed the oil into a roaring mass of flames as high as 150 feet and a column of smoke of biblical proportions," according to a Puffington's Post.

Then Yahweh appeared to Louisiana residents in the midst of the flames, and behold, said witnesses, though the oil slick burned with fire, it was not consumed.

"Ahem. Good afternoon," said God. "I am the God of your father, the God of Tony Hawyard, the God of Lamar MacKay, and the God of Blackwater Petrol."

"I have seen the affliction of my people in Louisiana, and have heard their cries. I have witnessed the devastation, and have seen the heh ...

"Look," He said after a considerable pause. "Can I be perfectly Frank with you folks? Remember that time when I said, 'Let us make man in Our image, after Our likeness; and let him have dominion over the fish of the sea,' and all that other stuff? Do you? Do you remember when I said that?

"Or how about the time when I said the Earth is your dominion," continued the Almighty. "Do you remember that? When I said that you would have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth?

"Now, I'll be the first to admit I'm no Daniel Webster,' said the Alpha and the Omega, "so correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a 'dominion' a 'district marked off for administrative or other purposes?'

"So, in other words, it sounds to Me like this is your problem. I left you in charge.

"You wanted oil, you wanted lots of it, you wanted it fast, and you wanted it cheap.

"Now, you bring Me the very money changers who got it for you, these Blackwater tyrants, saying it is they who should be blamed for the perversion of the Gulf!

"Behold, I, having examined them before you, have found no fault in these men concerning these things whereof you accuse them. I wash My hands of the whole affair.

"Go and gather the people of America together, and tell them Yahweh, the God of your fathers, has appeared to you, and that He said, 'You have driven yourselves to the Gulf of the Chevronites, the Texacovites, the Exxonites, the Shellites, the Conocovites, and the Mobilachites; driven yourselves to Deep Waters flowing with crude oil and methane.

"Find your own ride home. Bastards.

"Amen," He said, disappearing in a cloud of toxic dispersants.

"Great. Just great!" He muttered, fading quickly from view. "I just got these robes! It's going to take a miracle to get out these oil stains."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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