BP has announced that after the failure of Top-Hat, Top-Kill and the underperforming 'Top-Cap', they are ready to launch their next oil stemming attempt...Top-Cat.
Less than bright Engineers who could not ever have envisaged that something like this may ever happen have considered the problem and now believe that by lowering a massive effigy of the yellow 70/80s cartoon cat onto the gushing texas tea may very well be just what was needed all along.
If that fails, the BP Communications team have been trawling through Google looking for other potential initiatives beginning with the word 'Top'...initial ideas include:
Top-of the Pops - this will see ageing pop-stars thrust into the well until it can no longer cope with the laments of long gone careers.
Top-Gear - unsure at present, but it may include Jeremy Clarkeson's mouth being used as a giant suction tool to guzzle all the oil or lots of drugs being given to locals so that they don't give a fu*k about the oil spewing into their local waterways and killing them.
Top-Shelf - this involves pornography being put into the open well with a myriad of newsagents offering disapproving looks towards the well as it swallows-up the porn in the hopes that the oil gets very embarrased and retreats back into its cavern.
If these fail, and given the record breaking fiancial and environmental catastrophies this mining disaster has caused, the Boss of BP is considering one final option being suggested directly to him by none other than the Puppet President of the USofA Shadrack Labamba... Top-Yourself.