Chiang Kai-shek: Taiwan won't ask U.S. to fight China, but will take more hamburgers

Funny story written by Tragic Rabbit

Sunday, 2 May 2010

image for Chiang Kai-shek: Taiwan won't ask U.S. to fight China, but will take more hamburgers
Sunday afternoon in the park with Chiang Kai-shek.

Taiwan will never ask the United States to fight against China on its behalf, Taiwan President Generalissimo Chiang Kai-shek said in a CNN interview Friday, shortly after rising from the dead.

"We will continue to purchase arms from the United States, buy Senators, pay military 'advisors' and encourage more McDonalds franchises, but we will never, never, never ask the Americans to fight for the KMT, I mean Taiwan," Chiang Kai-shek told CNN's Christiane Amadupe in an exclusive interview that aired Friday. "This is something that is very, very, pinky-swear true."

The Generalissimo added that "the risk to China of a conflict with the KMT, uh, Taiwan is the lowest in 60 years" as a result of Taiwan's public efforts to build a better understanding with Beijing.

"In the last two years, as a result of our efforts to improve relations with those upstarts on the mainland, we have already defused the tension to a great extent," he said.

Chiang Kai-shek said his government has concluded 12 unsigned, but heavily doodled, agreements with China on flights, food safety, opening Taiwan to mainland tourists and mutual judicial assistance in the past two years.

"All these agreements contribute to prosperity and stability with Taiwan and nothing in these agreements compromised China's sovereignty or autonomy," he added with a chuckle.

The KMT's, that is Taiwan's, relationship with the United States remains a tender issue for China however, which officially regards the U.S. as something less than truthful.

For example, China expressed outrage at a U.S. decision in January to sell Taiwan more than $6 billion worth of weapons, including Patriot air defense missiles, Black Hawk helicopters, five thousand nuclear warheads, hundreds of mine-sweeping ships and lots more hamburgers.

The package notably did not include new F-16 fighter jets that the Taiwanese government has been seeking from the United States, though Chinese sources insist that hundreds of F-16s have been mysteriously diverted to Taiwan over recent months and subsequently disappeared.

Beijing, which considers Taiwan part of its sovereign territory and the U.S. a big fat liar, said the arms sales damage China's national security. It demanded that the United States respect what it called China's core interests and rescind all sales, perks and covert kisses towards Taiwan.

Chiang Kai-shek, however, said the sales are very, very, very important to the KMT's, that is Taiwan's, maintenance of peace and stability and have nothing to do with retaking mainland China.

"If the U.S. reduces arms and hamburger sales to Taiwan below the current level, it will lessen confidence in America and really, really hurt our feelings. The KMT, uh, Taiwan needs those arms to defend this country and its democracy," he said.

Kuomintang officials could not be reached for additional comment, though some were seen eating Happy Meals Sunday afternoon in the park with George.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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