US Navy: It's OK For Women to 'Go Down!'

Written by Morse

Friday, 30 April 2010


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Navy Mandate: What Goes On Below, Stays Below As Women Go Down!

The US Navy opened the last bastion closed to serving female officers by telling them it was OK to join the submarine service and go down for their country.

Due to the confined quarters on a US Navy Attack Submarine where as many as nine sailors bunk in one room, and 40 share a bathroom, it had been thought that the Navy would never authorize women to submerge in those conditions.

But thanks to an earmark from House Speaker Nancy Pelosi tacked on to the recent American Samoa Canned Tuna Stimulus for the Korean Company that bought the fishery from Del Monte foods thanks to a little help from the scaly lawmaker, women will now be going down with 'the boys!'

The $57.5B earmark is supposedly enough money to retrofit two (2) Trident Submarines with amenities affording privacy and a few perks for the three (3) female officers added to the TO&E of the ship's compliment.

There will be one (1) senior officer designated with the new title of "Morale Officer," and two (2) junior officers assigned as "Joint Tactical Containment Engineers" with duties to be defined on a 'first come, first served basis' depending on mission priorities and determined solely by the Captain.

After recent shocking revelations concerning indecent conduct on board ship by disgraced Democratic Congressman Eric Massa involving "snorkeling' amongst bunk mates while he was a serving officer, the Navy has been sensitive to hints, snickers and outright giggling concerning the on board sex life of serving crew members.

Said Rear Admiral (sic) Barney Higginbothom, "The time has come for the Navy to set aside it's prejudices against heterosexual crew members aboard ship and work together as a team. I think the inclusion of a few tough women aboard ship will stiffen our resolve, and improve our battle readiness to take on all comers."

President Obama is said to have embraced the idea saying about the inclusion of women, "we need to open that aperture so we can bring those highly qualified , intelligent, enthusiastic women into the submarine program!"

Several enlisted crewmen sought enlightenment concerning the term 'aperture' as mentioned by the President, and were referred for additional counseling including the use of flash cards to improve their identification of
'enemy vessels.'

Thanks to VP Joe Biden's son who just just joined a new ship yard company in Maryland, the retrofit will take place in the Baltimore Shipyard.

Joining the design staff will be TV Maven Martha Stewart who will be in charge of picking bed linen, curtains, place mats, and designing the make up desk, mood lighting and selecting the bidet.

Navy medical staff will be responsible for determining who physically is 'fit' to serve on the subs based on bust size. Due to the width of corridors used during combat drills, emergency operations, and daily passage, it has been determined that any female applying must fit within the parameters of a 32 A cup in order to limit charges of sexual harassment whilst crew are forced to pass each other sideways in the cramped quarters.

For the first time since John Paul Jones navy enlisted personnel said they were looking forward to MORE emergency drills with their new shipmates in the coming months.

Said retired Navy Corpman Frankie J, "See...morale is up already...wish I was still a serving officer, and the food can't be any worse then when I was aboard...Friggin COOKS! I'm getting hard just thinking about my rectal thermometer and those new stirrups in the orlop!"

Said a spokesman for HM RN, "It'll be a cold day in hell before I'll serve on a ship with women....BOLLOCKS, I say!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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