A multibillion dollar worldwide survey of 4 trainee scientists, each educated to a minimum Grade D GCSE (or equivalent), has reached the conclusion that indeed, all food is bad for human consumption.
The three year survey funded by the British taxpayer has advised that only "dust" and "dairy milk" is proven to contain "safe levels of toxins".
They recommend that other than these "low-risk foods", only food which has been eaten, digested and excreted should be "re-eaten" as they have proven to have safely passed through the body without causing death.
Researchers say that whilst they delighted with the outcome it has come as a complete surprise to them, but that it is "possibly the safest $4,000,000 we have ever invested....." they have asked us to explain they mean invested in the public, not, as could be mistakenly perceived, in scare-marketing.
