Written by Noshing Mink

Tuesday, 16 February 2010


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image for British Court of Appeal awards Mullah Baradar damages in advance of torture
Mullah Baradar without his beard and Taliban uniform - aww, isn't he cute?

The capture of top Afghan Taliban leader Mullah Baradar by U.S. military units has been a mixed blessing. While the Obama administration (in between planning to collect the next Nobel Peace Prize) has hailed it as a success and a blow to the "tiny tiny minority of Arabs who are terrorists", the British Court of Appeal responded by ordering that the British Government pay £1 million in damages to Baradar.

The Master of the Rolls David Neuberger, sitting with two curly-wigged brethren, said:

"Mr. Baradar will probably be tortured by the Americans. They do that sort of thing over there. The British Government has supported Operation Moshtarak which led to his capture and is therefore complicit in his anticipated mal-treatment. We flipped a coin and it came up heads. That means the British Government must pay £1 million to Mr. Baradar. That sum should enable him to buy some new genetalia and get some treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

The ruling was praised by the British Conservative Party, whose spokeswoman, Miss Filly Shaggalot, said: "It's bloody typical of Gordon Brown's Government to be involved in Enabling the Anticipated Torture of a Suspected Dangerous Terrorist Arrested on the Battlefield But Who Has Not Yet Been Formally Found Guilty."

But the Pentagon hit back, a spokesman saying: "What kind of two-bit country allows its Government to be pushed around by a baker?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: torture

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