Another hectic day in the steaming, stinking metropolis of Bangkok, and nowhere in the metropolis is it more steamy and stinky than at the Bangkok Zoo, from where our intrepid reporter Donkey Wooms brings you these headlines.
CRAP MURALS REPAINTED
The authorities at Bangkok Zoo have paid out thousands of Baht to strip the outer walls of the zoo of the crap murals of animals that were painted on them less than a month ago by local schoolchildren.
The murals, which are supposed to depict many of the beasts housed within the complex, included a Meerkat that appeared to be smiling, and a Giant Panda that was so overweight, it looked as if it had been fed on burgers rather than bamboo.
Head zookeeper Tanawat Patornpant said:
"We've now stripped the walls, and had the pictures repainted. It all came about as a result of hundreds of complaints by foreigners, who all said that the murals looked unprofessional and as if they had been done by young children. Which they had. I hate foreigners."
NEW CREATURE FOUND AT BANGKOK ZOO
Visitors to Bangkok Zoo were amazed yesterday as they became the first witnesses to the discovery of a new life form, which bore an uncanny resemblance to Homo Erectus.
The sleeping being, wearing what had once been a white T-shirt, shredded trousers and no socks or shoes, was disturbed from its slumbers in undergrowth by a couple who were showing each other their 'etchings'. They alerted zoo authorities who said the creature must have climbed into the zoo over a wall the previous night after pubs had shut. They immediately 'set it free' by tossing it over the perimeter wall
MAN'S BODY FOUND OUTSIDE ZOO
Police were called to the Bangkok Zoo this morning when a man's body was found sleeping outside the walls of the zoo. The unkempt figure, aged somewhere between 21 and 100, was wearing what had once been a white T-shirt, shredded trousers and no socks or shoes, and looked as if he hadn't had a wash this century.
From the bus, I saw that the man was laid between the murals of the Bat-Eared Fox and the Cape Fur Seal, just along from the Humboldt Penguin.
One concerned police officer revived the man by drop-kicking him in the small of the back.
KILLER STALKING MONKEY WOODS
Former Dudley resident, Monkey Woods, has complained to police that he believes he is being stalked by a ruthless killer.
Woods told The Spoof:
"I'm really worried. I haven't actually seen him yet, but I know he's there, lurking in the shadows, out of sight, just waiting for his chance to get me. Every night when I turn out the light and get in bed, I can hear the bastard buzzing around me ears."