Charlie Sheen Sends Regrets for Limp Performance at Failed Orgy:" I Just Couldn't Come" Said the Jailed Star!

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Friday, 1 January 2010

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Critics Agree: A Limp Noodle at an Orgy is Like a Soccer Game When Nobody Scores The Big One!

TV & Moviedom's Sexual Bad Boy, Charlie Sheen, seemed repentant that he couldn't even make a cameo appearance at a recent Orgy celebrating yet another reality show for the Kardashians.

Petro 'the Weasel' Saltambocca, Hollywood's Premier Photographer, noted for his supposedly 'candid' nude photographs of naked nymphs striving for their 15 minutes of fame, said he was on hand to chronicle the event, but said the longer Charley took to 'get off', the more embarrassing it became for the surrounding participants who had already showered, shaved, waxed and moved on to the cocaine cocktails being served pool side by some fawning politicians seeking donations to their upcoming elections.

Sheen, who has been married at least 3 times, and had dalliances with some porn stars along the way, also found himself in the spotlight during an incident with included a mishap involving a gun, handcuffs, and a cattle prod. The victim in that case decided not to press charges at the risk of being left off any future invitations to participate in elaborate 'masked balls' in Beverly Hills.

Several of Sheen's partners were talking about his less than Academy Award winning performance in hushed tones in between a few snorts.

"He tried everything, " one said wistfully," first he did his Alex Baldwin thing, calling me a spoiled fat pig, and other derogatory comments trying to degrade me. That didn't work, and he tried his Tom Cruise, jumping up and down on the bed professing that he loved me....but his thingy just kept flopping around like a drunken hand puppet. He was pretty disconsolate, even when I told him he was bigger and better than Tiger....it didn't do any good!"

Supposedly when he tied another nymphet to the bed and went into a scene from Silence of the Lambs where he tried to eat her face, she went bananas, and that's when the cops were called and Charlie wound up in jail in time for Christmas. The victim claimed she kept screaming 'lower, lower' but he seemed to be obsessed and refused to honour her pleas, according to the leaked police report.

Professional Sex Expert and TV talk show guest Fernando Monte Verde, often quizzed about HIS sexual exploits said, " Why do you think I'm always in pursuit of variety? Look at Charlie...always the same partners with the medically enhanced boobs and vaginas...it's deja vu all over again....you keep winding up in the same place over and over ...until one day you wake up and your body says, 'I've got to crawl out of this hole....I'm never going to come again!"

While Fernando doesn't recommend quitting the pursuit of the perfect sex act 'cold turkey', he does recommend Groucho Marx Therapy for those suffering
from limp dick syndrome. "Look," he said with a twinkle in his eye, " Groucho loved smoking his cigars....but even he took it out once in a while and gave it a rest!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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