Ann Coulter Cloned in Secret Republican Hospital Wing

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Monday, 16 November 2009


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image for Ann Coulter Cloned in Secret Republican Hospital Wing
Ew. I see nose hair.

Following the investigative report by Spoof staffer NickFun on Ann Coulter's Adam's apple removal, nurses at the same D.C. hospital report seeing a bevy of small female children with long bleached-blonde hair running the halls of a private wing.

While doctors and administrators at Sacred Conservative Heart Hospital have dismissed these early reports as "preposterous", utility personnel at the SCHH tell a different story. One food delivery steward describes his daily horror, "They all look the same, they all act the same, asking me why I didn't go to college, who I voted for, bitching about the food, or calling me for tray removal then screaming at me to GET OUT. I can't take any more."

Fellow reporter NickFun has uncovered a connection between the mystery hospital wing and one of the world's foremost authorities on cloning, Dr. Eugene Splicington. Splicington has been seen leaving the hospital only to drive to a posh apartment building known to be owned by the Republican National Committee.

Insiders at the RNC willing to talk, described panic at most RNC strategy sessions and how Dr. Spicington's arrival seemed to have a calming effect at successive meetings. "It gets worse", says one witness unwilling to release her name. "I think they're banking their future on editorial mouthpieces like Coulter, Hannity, Beck, and Limbaugh and cloning them to fill local television market airwaves with hateful RNC fodder." When asked about the selection of Coulter, the insider commented, "Some of the old men at the RNC think she's hot for some reason and are banking on her clones to draw democratic males over to the party. I'm embarrassed to call my self a republican", she said.

As the cloning story began to break, Democratic congressmen had one of two reactions regarding Coulter. Most just laughed, while others did what most typical men do when quickly evaluating a member of the opposite sex, just said, "Ew".

NickFun is also hot on the trail of another lead in the RNC cloning story, this time in Sacramento, California. Similar sightings of cloned children are being reported by hospital staffers, this time of small buzz cut blonde males screaming one-liner commentaries like, "Ridiculous", "Moronic", "Khmer Rouge", and "Stalin". Fearing the existence of more than one Glenn Beck on the face of the earth, Governor Schwarzenegger has vowed to don the bullet belts and mini-gun to help keep the Beck over-population at bay.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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