Tensions are wearing thin as Italy accuses France of the heinous crime of 'Theft of record breaking dessert'.
Italy claims the French conducted a secret mission to steal the tasty dessert to pass off as their own. France was then awarded the World record for the largest Tiramisu ever made.
Angry Italians have been massing on the French border ready to spit at any French person who comes near, one of them explained to me how annoyed they are about the theft.
"We're very annoyed", he said, "How would they like it if we stole the largest bowl of French onion soup and passed it off as our own soup, they'd be pretty pissed off wouldn't they!
"It makes me so angry I just want to spit at something! See how angry we are as we all spit at you and saturate your clothes with our spit!"
After drying myself I spoke with French historian Claude Le Claudine who told me, "Well they did steal from the French! In 1859 an Italian mob stole the world's largest harvest of French onions and beat everyone up with sticks. This is always in the minds of any French person.
"It makes the French very angry, look how angry I am now. Now it's our turn with the sticks! Watch as I swing this stick around smashing anything in its way. Feel the pain as I whip your face with my stick! That's how angry we get!"
A hospital person who stitched my face together, (fortunately not French or Italian) explained, "This incident comes as the illicit production and export of Italian (and Algerian) French onion soup have risen by 300 percent in the last two years, I wouldn't be surprised if this was a first move by the French to kick the shit out of Italy; from their point of view they deserve it."
How will this end? Who knows and frankly, who the hell cares!
Frank Miller
