Shocking Update: Neanderthals Insult Brits

Written by Asheville Jack

Friday, 25 September 2009

image for Shocking Update: Neanderthals Insult Brits
The end result of another Neanderthal prank in central London. Citizens want to know when will it all end?

London - Elizabeth Morton of Duck Pound had just parked her car when a loud voice called out to her, "You call that a dress dearie? Good God, it makes you look so fat!"

Turning around she saw the voice belonged a teenage female Neanderthal seated on a park bench eating a pigeon, one of the hundreds of Neanderthals who now inhabited central London.

Tugging hard on her own black bear skin clothing for emphasis the young cave girl continued her harangue, "Now this is a real dress lady. My man killed the beast himself."

The male Neanderthal at her side smiled proudly at his mates comment, "I could easily tear that flimsy thing off you in an instant," he said, "and have my way with you."

Horrid stories such as Mrs. Morton's are now common place. Londoners' daily find themselves the butt of mean spirited comments and practical jokes at the hairy hands of the uninvited guests. Flat tires are common place. So are the bones of small animals that are intentionally placed in mail boxes. In each and every case Neanderthals can be seen nearby snickering, or in some cases laughing outright as they lift their loin cloths for the added shock value.

Dr. Carol Marrow of the British Department of Social Anthropology had gone on television to warn the populace to leave the cavemen alone and not engage in tit-for-tat insults. However, several intoxicated university students who had tried to best the Neanderthal at their own game failed, winding up in traction at the local hospital.

In her statement on television Dr. Marrow reminded the nation that the Neanderthals were in fact now guest of the British government. "It seems," she explained at the time, "that a Mr. Niles Pittrow was trying to rewire the hot water heater in his basement when he shorted the wires and an eerie blue glow appeared, followed by hundreds of the bow-legged primitive sub-humans issuing forth. We now believe that Mr. Pittrow taped into some kind of space-time split. In any event, the basement in question has now been completely filled in with concrete and no more Neanderthals can come through. Sadly, neither can they be sent home. So now they are our guest, and should be treated accordingly."

Complaints to authorities that the Neanderthals should be kept caged, or at the very least taken somewhere else, perhaps Scotland or Ireland where such behavior is commonplace was dismissed as unworkable. "We tried," said Prime Minister Gordon Brown, "but once in the open they're just too damn fast. It seems that this is entirely our problem now."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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