Portsmouth,UK/ Naval Debriefing Station - After 12 months in captivity, subjected to the most vile of interrogation techniques, missing Spoof Icon, Publisher, and Toasted Cheese Spokesman, Mark Lowton was returned to civilization.
Appearing slightly bloated due to a 12 month diet of pickled eggs, a technique designed to make him talk after being subjected to his own noxious gases, the UK wordsmith appeared exhausted.
Naval Intelligence Officer, Inspector Morse, in addressing the horde of necrophiliac press, admitted that Lowton was exhausted after being continuously interrogated by a team of perverts allegedly in the employ of Libyan Dictator Muammar al-Qaddafi.
Morse said Qaddafi employed a host of outlawed interrogation techniques including blowing second hand smoke in his face, sleep deprivation, and endless loops of mindless press releases emanating from San Francisco delivered in a mono tone.
In a effort to further humiliate Lowton, he was forced to break a new pickled egg consumption record formerly held by the late great Paul Newman, in his award winning role as 'Cool Hand Luke' a rebellious journalist wrongly imprisoned by a political tyrant.
In a effort to increase Libya population, Lowton was also forced to service 35 of Qaddafi's wives, who were said to be 'overwhelmed' with his prowess, some lining up for 'seconds' despite the dismay of the dysfunctional dictator.
Lowton was eventually released after PM Gordon Brown reached an accommodation with the Oil Rich nation after giving into release demands said to include "favorite nation' trading status, free oil for Yorkshire, and 'a few pounds' for his re election campaign.
Spoof contributors were said to be overjoyed to have their leader back.
"It's been a nightmare," said senior writer Hal A. Peno, "no leadership and we've all been toiling in a vacuum!"
"No shit," said irreverent Buck E. Wheat, "the site has gone down in recent months and we even have guys doin nothin but talkin to themselves and self rating....it's a disgrace I say. Hopefully things will get better now!"
Said international peace maker and pundit Skoob 1999,"It's a small thing really, but has anyone seen my dick lately?"
Morse said Lowton would make a public address shortly, but was bulking up on toasted cheese sandwiches, and nursing a sore dick.
Said a few of the guys, "Thank God the Big Prick is Back!
