Ecuadorian Judge Steps Down, Sticks It to Big Oil

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Sunday, 6 September 2009


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How much $27 Billion is estimated to be worth, according to natives, peasants who filed suit.

QUITO, Ecuador - A tree-hugging judge presiding over a $27 billion environmental lawsuit against Chevroil recused himself from the case Friday to allow legal proceedings to continue uninterrupted, said Ecuadorian officials.

Earlier this week, Chevroil "obviously manipulated and edited" several video recordings obtained with tiny bugging devices in a watch and a pen to show Judge Juan Exonelista Valdez allegedly telling two businessmen that he had already decided to rule against the corrupt company.

Valdez announced that he is stepping down to facilitate the government's investigation of the alleged incident.

The fake footage is intended to discredit overwhelming scientific evidence that the company decimated indigenous tribes, put thousands of people at risk, and wrecked the Amazon rainforest to save the company three dollars a barrel on oil; the 400,000 pages of damning evidence against Chevroil are themselves responsible for the clearing of nearly a dozen acres more.

The company alleges that a handful of greedy Amazon jungle natives and peasants that filed the lawsuit, who don't even have a word for money, and the judge who has now recused himself, had planned to divide the $27 billion settlement equally amongst themselves.

Conflicting reports indicate the indigenous people had actually planned to burn the money for fuel rather than cut down more trees.

This is typical of the company's delay tactics in the case so far: Last February, Chevroil produced a receipt for the purchase of the Amazon rainforest that was later discredited, and in May, they tripped fire alarms and staged bomb threats during several witnesses' particularly damaging testimony.

More recently, they requested a six week recess to mourn the passing of Michael Jackson, but were only given two.

Company officials insisted they don't even know why the men made the recordings or turned them over to the company, even though one of them used to work for Chevroil, but they noted, who the heck doesn't like sneaking around taking pictures with spy cameras?

They also said the videos prove the legal system and government in Ecuador are even more corrupt than Chevroil itself.

Valdez indicated they really only prove company executives are so greedy and cheap that they hired third-rate video editors.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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