Michael Jackson Sets New World Record

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Saturday, 1 August 2009

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The Frugal Repast

Preliminary counts indicate Michael Jackson will most likely be crowned the King of Prescriptions, according to an attorney in the case surrounding the singer's death.

Omar Arnold is one of 19,458 aliases listed in the warrant used by the LAPD and federal drug agents Tuesday to microscopically probe the Las Vegas, Nevada, home and office of Texas-based cardiologist Dr. Conrad Murray.

The warrant also mentioned nurse practitioner Cherilyn Lee, who visited Jackson at bedtime earlier this year. Lee claimed Jackson pleaded for propofol to help him go night-night. She said she refused, instead telling the pop star bedtime stories about Peter Pansy, Twinklebells, and the Captain's Hook until he drifted away peacefully sometime early the next morning.

During a mid 90's world tour, sources close to Jackson told CNNitwit News the pop star had already been clinically dead and subsequently resuscitated several times, surpassing a record previously set by Keith Richards.

According to a 2004 Santa Barbara, California, police investigation, security guards in Jackson's inner circle indicated most fans would be surprised to know some of Jackson's biggest world tours involved traveling in search of more medication.

The Los Angeles County coroner, who must rule on the cause of Jackson's June 25 death, met Thursday with the Los Angeles District Attorney, who must tally how many people will be prosecuted for his death.

Legal experts predict the maximum sentence for the death of Jackson, evenly distributed to all the doctors involved, will likely yield fifteen minutes for each in a minimum-security facility, with time off for good behavior.

Should the jury seek the death penalty, each of the 50,000 doctors will probably just receive a "wedgie."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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