Despondent after finishing second in "Britain's Got Talent" and her break-up with Captain and Tennille Tribute Band partner, Adam Lambert, Susan Boyle discovered the black boxes from Air France Flight 447 when she attempted suicide from the Luxury Liner the "Queen Fairy" while in route from London to Rio de Janeiro.
"Bob Barker was flirting with my invisible girl friend and I couldn't take it anymore," said Boyle, "So when he put his hand in her girdle, I jumped off the ship, but was luckily saved by a pirate with in a life boat who was using a strap-on dildo as a pegleg right after I discovered the black boxes from Air France Flight 447."
Much to the chagrin of Brazilian Navy - that had been searching the area for days and could find nothing but a decapitated Jack-in-the-Box oversized round head - instead of flight information about the downed jetliner, each black box contained one ball from the nut sack of Oscar Wilde's tomb in Père Lachaise Cemetery.
Wilde's image - originally depicted as a modernist angel sculpture on the tomb designed by sculptor Sir Jacob Epstein - had been complete with a hanging nut sack, but the nut sack was castrated by the cemetery director, who thought it was obscene. The nut sack was kept as a paperweight by a succession of Père Lachaise Cemetery keepers until it mysteriously vanished in the 1980s.
After hearing about Boyle's historic find, Adam Lambert was reportedly interested in getting back together again with Boyle because he always fantasized about getting his hands on Oscar Wilde's balls.
French Historians praised the find and released an official statement: "We may never know what brought down Flight 447, but at least we'll be able to return Oscar Wilde's balls to their proper place in Père Lachaise Cemetery."
