Alternative Investments Go Big As Stock Market Crashes

Funny story written by rfreed

Monday, 5 January 2009

image for Alternative Investments Go Big As Stock Market Crashes
This Is Actually A Map Showing The Way To Hell In A Handbasket.

June 2009 - The death of the stock market in the spring of 2009 ushered in the age of alternative investments. Stock owners en mass loosed themselves of now worthless stocks and began buying collectibles as a money hedge. Expansion in this field has been dramatic. There are now no less than 300 divergent markets into which one can invest his money.

The D.C./Marvel Comics Exchange has seen brisk trading today with the X-Men Franchise up 275 at the start of the day. Rumor of Captain America's debut in a movie sent his stocks soaring to 570. Batman paraphernalia holds steady at 140 points. The multitude of Star War spin offs continue to do respectfully at $4.00 a share. Those wishing to exchange with defunct Wall Street firms can find traders offering 1,000 IBM shares per Obi-Wan action figure.

The Porcelain Figurine Exchange say Franklin Mint figurines have dropped 80 points to a new low for them. Investors suspect it is due to the risk of damage in shipping the delicate items.
The Beanie Babies Index is climbing after having expanded into the South American market. An unexpected spike in sales has been seen in novelty kangaroo Beanie Babies that were accidentally filled with Mexican jumping beans.

Beegees/Travolta 'Saturday Night Fever' poster shares hit an unexpected high of $30 a share as the film was finally allowed to be seen in China and is a big smash. Gable/Leigh 'Gone With The Wind' mementos are matching old Microsoft stock one-for-one as a fad of hoarding them is going on in Europe.

OJ memorabilia had been doing well, with Johnny Cochran and F. Lee Bailey making a partnership together to distribute tokens from his life. A cult has also grown around former Packer Brett Favre items, including the ex-cold weather long underwear and ear-flap caps he left behind in Wisconsin.

An active trade in Jimi Hendricks and Peter Townsend souvenir pieces from guitars they have smashed has picked up. It follows a rush on souvenir underwear from Madonna, Tom Jones, Cher and, oddly, Ralph Nadar.

Just like the boys of the 1990's, an entire alternative culture and economy had developed around these new market forms of investments. There is even talk amongst them of doing away with money altogether and having a barter system in place. There is fear that money, which is being printed as massively as toilet paper, is lessening in value. In moves that are giving IRS officials grey hairs, alternative investors in Oregon have started using cannabis as a cash form. Artists in LA are using music contracts as money while individuals in Detroit are using auto parts for an official standard of trading. Elsewhere Floridians have stopped using money altogether and now consider time-shares, sea shells and cocaine to be their legal form of currency. Las Vegas residents still are using cash in the casinos, but are trading hookers for everyday commodities.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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