America's CIA has found a novel way to expand its business dealings with their fickle stable of aging despotic Afghan warlords - ensuring they receive copious supplies of the sex-enhancing drug Viagra to boost their flagging virility, according to a Christian Science Shitraker report.
The C.S Shitraker said it was one of a number of enticements being used to elicit fresh and detailed human intelligence reports on Taliban activities from the hinterland's tribal warlords.
CIA Agent Seymour P. Dongrat, a former lawn mower mechanic, told the media "Hey, whatever it takes to get this here war won and keep our operations going.
The warlords look after the oil and gas pipelines, so we keep 'em supplied with arms and pre-book their full year's crop of opium for our heroin business."
"Oh yeah, covert op's need lots of black cash. Whatever it takes to make friends and influence people."
"Whether it's building a school, knocking off their competition, trading opium for weapons, supplying them with blonde pussy for their harem, or simply handing out Viagra : it works better than the old Vietnam philosophy that 'when you've got 'em by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow'. Didn't work with Charlie, and these guys are even dumber and more hard core."
In one case, a 60-year-old warlord with forty wives was given a goat's bladder packed with hundreds of the little blue sex stimulants and a few days later supplied US intelligence agents with detailed Taliban activities in return for another bucketful of the magic bullet 'hard-on' poppers.
The C. S. Shitraker mentioned the CIA had utilised a long line of creative inducements to suborn the warlords into playing ball with them. Dental work, US visas and air tickets to visit the Great Satan, medical supplies, whatever their minds might conjure. And if they didn't cooperate? Always a single shot from a .308 M24 sniper's rifle or a charge of C4 in their khazi, and do better business with the next unwashed warlord wannabe.
Rumours that the CIA have also used Viagra to torture their Muslim captives are rife across the Middle East war zone. Where prisoners are trained to resist interrogations they might be surreptitiously fed massive doses of ground up
Viagra in their meals, then, when in a state of extreme sexual arousal and agitation, thrown into a cell with a couple of buxom female pigs.
One prisoner that was subjected this torturous ordeal resisted the temptation to hump the pork but wanked himself to death overnight.
