Kerala, India - Catholic Bishop John Lobha of Kochi, India may be in deep elephant dung for his recent adoption of a 26 year old woman. Bishop Lobha allegedly met the young woman on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. She is the daughter of an Orthodox priest who willingly consented to giving his daughter to the bishop for his 'spiritual reformation'.
However back in India, where family arrangement of marriages and adoptions for women is unheard of, the bishop's behaviour is considered scandalous.
"There is definitely the whiff of a sandal about all this," commented one of the priests in Bishop Lobha's diocese, on condition of anonymity.
The bishop defended his actions, claiming he had only 'fatherly love' for the young woman and just found her spiritually attractive.
"She sits on my knee and we read the bible together. It's totally innocent," protested Bishop Lobha.
"It's true", said the young woman, whose name is being withheld because she is not a minor.
"Bishop Lobha has a very strong knee for a man of his age. Often I feel myself lifted several inches closer to heaven when I sit on his knee in prayer."
"That all sounds innocent enough," commented Apostolic Nuncio, Father Francis Feeley of Ireland. "But we're going to investigate this matter further and report directly to Rome."
Sources close to the Vatican report that Pope Benedict is not at all pleased with reports of one of his bishops adopting a young woman.
"Il Papa is furious that anyone should think of a man of the cloth as a father-figure. How did this young woman or anyone else ever get that idea?" proclaimed our Vatican source on condition of anonymity.
"The next thing you know, people will start to believe in the DaVinci Code and all that nonsense about Jesus fathering a child with that slut, St Mary Magdalene. Damned those Knights Templar!"
"No, Catholic fathers are not fathers, and why anyone should hold such beliefs is really stupid."
Indian Bishop Lobha's recent adoption of the daughter of an Orthodox priest may not be an isolated incident.
Initial top-secret reports leaked to this reporter by our Vatican source suggest the scandal may reach into the top echelons of the Catholic Church, including the Vatican itself.
"We've had reports of a Trappist monastery in Austria that has adopted the entire Vienna Boy's Choir," reported our source, again on condition of anonymity.
The Trappist monks allegedly claim that the pre-pubescent presence of the boys giving them a hand greatly improves the quality and quantity of their cheese production at the monastery.
"You should see the heavenly smiles on the boy's faces when, under the spiritual guidance of our monks, they produce their first cheese by their own hands. It brings such joy to our monks as well," explained our source, munching on a slice of monk's cheese.
Within the secretive walls of the Vatican, there are rumours of several cardinals who have adopted soldiers in the Papal Swiss Guard.
"I doubt it's anything new," our source said casually. "The Swiss Guard has been in the Vatican since 1506. Besides, seeing these handsome young men standing so firm and erect in their sexy uniforms at the foot of the obelisk in St Peter's Square, who could blame the cardinals?"
Swiss Guard, Lieutenant Hans Stiff, acknowledged that he has been adopted by several cardinals. "Look, let's not forget that the original Swiss Guards were mercenary soldiers who put their life and limbs on the line for a few quick bucks."
"It's no different today," added Stiff. "It's just that we're cuter and the cardinals are richer."
"The Vatican's got it all figured out," explained Lieutenant Stiff. "They use the same system that is in wide use in the Middle East where a man can marry a woman for as little as an hour in order to have sex legally."
"Out of the 100 Swiss Guards in the Vatican, I'd say over 90 of us are regularly adopted at least an hour a day. It's great for morale as well as supplementing our pension fund."
Meanwhile back in India, there are signs that the common people may be warming to the steamy news of Bishop Lobha's adoption of the young woman in question.
"Why not?" asks Christian parishioner Krishna Kishna. "There's no need to get incensed over it. Isn't love the central tenet of our belief? As our Indian bible says, let him who is without sin cast the first sandal."