Gospel of Peter found in Jerusalem

Funny story written by Lord B of W

Friday, 16 May 2008

image for Gospel of Peter found in Jerusalem
"Let's get one thing straight, my name is Simon!"

The Gospel of Peter has been discovered on a building site in Jerusalem, and already authenticated and carbon dated to the time of Jesus, it is being touted as the most significant religious find in the last 2,000 years.

It had often been speculated on that the Gospel had been destroyed by the Catholic Church when the New Testament was assembled in the 4th century, as it widely conflicted with the Gospels of fellow Disciples Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

The recent, 1980's, find of the Gospel of Thomas (part of the so called Gnostic Gospels), has been rejected by the Pope as heresy, although it too has been carbon dated to around the time of Jesus.

The Gospel of Peter, speaks of the time when he first met Jesus and became his first and most trusted Disciple (he later went on to become "the rock on which my church will be built", said Jesus, and the first Pope (Peter I) in the Catholic Church. His bones are buried under the Vatican in Rome).

"I was a fisherman, and Jesus said unto me "What is thy name brother?", I replied "my name is Simon" and Jesus said unto me "I shall call you Peter, and you shall become a fisher of men.""

This transcript is consistent with the existing Gospels, however the Gospel of Peter goes on ...
"I replied unto Jesus, "I'll follow you brother, but let's get one thing straight, my name is Simon!" "

This naming conflict features throughout the Gospel, with Simon/Peter often ignoring calls from Jesus, unless he used his correct name, much to the amusement of the other Disciples.

This argument even continued when Jesus was hanging on the cross. Consistent in all Gospels is that none of the Disciples were present during the crucifixion (fearing for their own safety), but in the Gospel of Peter, Peter says "I visited Jesus Five days after the initial crucifixion and my master was barely alive, but he said unto me "Peter, where has't thou been?", and I replied "I am sorry brother, but for fuck sake my name is Simon!" and Jesus just smiled as he always did and then gently passed away. From that moment I was reborn as Peter, follower of the church of my lord Jesus."

The most interesting and contentious part of the Gospel of Peter is the complete lack of any reference to Jesus as "Christ", "Son of God", or any mention at all of a resurrection.

The Pope has again declared the Gospel as heresy.

Although many people are now switching their religious beliefs to the teachings within this Gospel and that of Thomas, as these are believed to be the closest transcripts to the actual words spoken by Jesus.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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