Too Many Headlines, No Space for Stories

Funny story written by Jeff Tamarkin

Monday, 10 May 2004

The World's Press Roundup

The world was inundated with news today. As a result, newspapers around the globe ran headlines only, below are some examples.

Runaway Tank Flattens Ariel Sharon, Even His Stomach and Oversized Head Deflate

George W. Bush Has Lobotomy, Now Fluent in Two Languages (Double Dutch and Pig Latin)

Dick Cheney Suffers 27th Heart Attack, In Deeper Coma Than He Usually Is

Ted Kennedy Gains 370 Pounds, Will Be Filled with Helium and Flown at Next Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

Truth Revealed: Manuel Noriega's Face and Pineapple DNA Directly Related

Fidel Castro (Finally) Dies, Corpse Sent to Taxidermist, "Stuffed Fidel" to Be Displayed at Cuban Baseball Hall of Fame or Bill Clinton's Cigar Store

J. Lo Has Butt Reduction, Marries Pee Wee Herman, Children to Be Named Gerbil and Squirm

Hitler's Missing Left Nut Found in George W. Bush's Mouth

Jean Chretien Hit by Hockey Puck, Mutters "Ay" Ten Times, Dies, Body Put on Ice

Saddam and Rumsfeld Kiss, Make Up, Attend Fag Stag

Omarosa Returns to Hometown, Youngstowners Kill Her Twice, Dump Body in Mahoning River, Save Her Massive Teeth for Dental Museum

Pol Pot Switches to Cocaine, Says "Sorry" for Murdering Millions

Shah of Iran Wakes Up, Says "Ayatoldyah So"

Palestinians Bake Mile-Long Suicide Bomb, Not Sure Who Will Carry It, or Where to Put It

French PM Chiraq Tells Personal Fact: "I Want to Lick My Mom"

FARC Leaves Colombia, Moves into Skyscraper in Downtown Miami

Latest Harry Potter Title Stuns Critics: "Hairy Pothead in the Temple of Bongs"

Sides to Be Added to The Pentagon, Will Now Be Called The Sexagon

Rosie O'Donnell Adopts Lesbian Orangutan

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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