With over double the number of Olympic sponsors (31,400) than athletes (14,500) due to turn up at this summer's games, the organisers have decided to do away with the various competitions and have Olympic "bonding" sessions instead.
Athletes will now be able to spend the fortnight eating, drinking and having sex without having to worry about running around, sailing in boats or hurling large metal objects in competition with hairy, muscular, questionable females called Putin.
Marketing and sponsorship people will now compete against one another for some of the top trophies in competitive marketing.
Some of the races taking place include:
- The 100 metre press release
The quantitative research marathon
Tossing the editorial
The Product Placement decathlon
Crisis PR dive
The political lobbying high jump
The 50, 100 and 200 metre media evaluation