Wicca Finally Proven to Be a Hoax

Funny story written by Barry Davidson

Wednesday, 19 March 2008


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New documents have surfaced in the world of religion. Specifically, the Wicca religion. The chronicles in question, shed some light on the formation of the "world's oldest religion".

Wicca is a fairly new 'old' religion, started in the 1950's by Gerald Gardner. Gardner claimed he was only writing down the rituals and beliefs of an older matriarchal belief system. In truth, the rituals are mostly knockoffs of late Victorian era occult ceremonies, many of which resemble the writings of Aleister Crowley. Not surprisingly, Gardner took the actual 'facts' about his new religion to his grave.

Many offshoots of the original 'religion' have popped up since its first appearance in 1954. Originally, to become a member of a Wicca coven required a member of the opposite sex to 'initiate' them. Americanization and politics have caused many groups to disregard the original doctrine in favor on all female and solitary witch covens. Dianic Wicca is a feminist manifestation of the system created by Gardner. Kevin Carlyon, self proclaimed God and refers to himself as THE witch, was reported as saying, "Gardner stole his ideas from me."

Taking a first initiative, President George Bush, in a new faith based initiative, located the resting place in Tunisia of the reputed cult's leader, and had his body exhumed last month in an effort to settle the question of the would-be cultist's death. "These Wickers are a threat to the security of the United States, and intelligence reports that they may have weapons of mass destruction." Bush said at a White House press conference. "They have been using spells and fortune-casting to reveal national security secrets to the Islamic Jihad. Just like Helen Duncan, who in 1944 was using séances to spy on allied troops, we need to stop this threat before we have another 9/11.

Local authorities were happy to cooperate with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice saying, "If it will keep those Satan worshippers away from Allah's followers, it is a good thing." What Mrs. Rice and her taskforce found was a surprise, even to faithful Wiccans.

Gardner died of a supposed heart attack while at sea in February of 1964. Wiccans have speculated that his death was actually the result of an FBI 'religious cleansing operation' initiated by J. Edgar Hoover some years before. FBI Director Robert Mueller denied these allegations, but many still believe. Mueller said, "Gardner was small potatoes. The FBI has never had in interest in him, or his religion."

"When we first opened the stone sarcophagus, we were expecting a mostly decomposed body," Rice told waiting journalists. "But we found so much more. Perhaps we can put an end to this foolishness once and for all."

Even this journalist's jaw dropped to hear what was found in the grave. Not only was there a body, but there were also files. These files were sealed in old fashioned mason jars. Journalists from FOX News, CNN, Playboy, and their European partners were allowed to photograph the removing of those jars. Authorities took those jars, and authenticated the files inside them. It was confirmed by the FBI, CIA, and SAS handwriting experts the files were in fact written by Gardner, and that they were written in the 1930's and 1940's.

Upon further questioning, Rice informed reporters of the contents of some of those papers. "It seems to be a diary of sorts. He wrote his plans to start his own religion after he became dissatisfied with Christianity. The 'diary' goes on to say that he was angered at how sexuality was taboo in modern religions, and how he planned to rectify that. Much of the writings will take some time to decipher because it appears to have been written while he was under the influence of some kind of narcotic. What is readable gives concrete evidence that Gardner was a fraud."

Skeptics within the Wicca religion weren't so easily swayed. "This is obviously an attempt by Christian fundamentalists to discredit Gerald Gardner," said Judy Harrow, chairwoman of the pastoral counselling program at Cherry Hill Seminary in Bethel, Vt.

While it comes as no shock to this writer, I fear this information will be suppressed by mainstream media. The liberal Jewish media conspiracy, where Wiccans have women in power, will stop at nothing to suppress the facts uncovered in this bizarre Mission. We can only hope that the truth comes into the light.

Journalists finally asked Rice how Gardner actually died. "It's a bit of a mystery actually," Secretary of State Rice told anxious reporters. "The autopsy report states that the heart does show signs of failure, but there were also signs of cancer and syphilis. More testing will be needed to find the actual cause of his death."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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