Soccer Moms Credited with Ending Terror

Funny story written by Dignan

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

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In a move that sent shock-waves across the planet, Al-Queda, the international alliance of terrorist organizations, has announced it will no longer seek Americans as targets, be they on US soil or overseas.

In what appears to be a hastily recorded videotape Osama bin Laden, the founder of Al-Queda, suggests that credit for his revoking of the two fatwas he issued against the US should go to the legions of American soccer moms and their 9/11-related bumper stickers.

"The 82nd Airbourne I can handle," bin Laden said through an interpreter. "The CIA, not a hassle. But frumpy American women and their withering scorn is a foe that not even the Koran's promise of paradise can persuade me to engage."

The Lebanese Shia militia group Hezbollah is rumored to be in the process of making a similar announcement - also brought on by the influence of the bumper stickers of American housewives.

Sheila Wetts of Schitz Creek, Oregon, isn't surprised.

"When I had my husband Toby put that sticker ["9-11: We WILL Remember!"] on my Astrovan, I was confident our enemies would get the message," she said.

When asked to clarify if she was referring to enemies of the US or simply enemies of herself and her husband, Mrs. Wetts declared "It's the same thing."

Bunny Jane Runnels of Brown Mouth, Wisconsin, was also more than happy to trumpet the success her seemingly cosmetic activism has achieved.

"After Saddam Hussein bombed the World Trade Center I knew it was time to help our great president get the word out."

"And what word is that?" asked a reporter.

At this Mrs. Runnels pointed to the "Freedom Isn't Free" bumper sticker on her 2003 Ford Windstar and folded her arms.

When asked if she was aware she had mistakenly credited Hussein with the attacks on the WTC instead of bin Laden, Mrs. Runnels called the reporter a "faggot Democrat" who should "stop trying to keep prayer out of our schools."

So does this mean the actions of a self-absorbed, ill-informed percentage of the American citizenry can really make a difference? Shelby Fears of the US State Department thinks so.

"I think so," he said.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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