Whitehall - (Conspiracy Mess): Thousands of British politicians pose a threat to national security because of their support for terrorism according to the head of MI5.
"And what's more they are grooming children as young as 15 to fill their shoes," the top spook added darkly.
"We've had to divert counter-terrorism resources into surveillance operations like watching them dosh-up the Northern Rock Bank," the secret official continued.
"Additionally, instead of nailing traditional foreign bastards like the Russians, we're having to watch some very dodgy tit-popping characters like Kylie, Paris and Vanessa Hudgens.
"I ask you."
The spook added that although there were "enough Russian spooks in the capitol to fill Stamford Bridge most Saturdays" it was "a matter of some disappointment" that MI5 field operatives weren't able to attend all Chelsea FC games to check out this danger.
"Instead we have to send them to those asinine Kylie concerts at Wembley or Conservative Party Harvest Festival Tombolas.
"Attacks on the UK are not simply random plots by disparate and fragmented groups of nutters like Margaret Thatcher's policy wonks, but part of a deliberate campaign by A, B and C-List celebs, minor politicians and their wannabe counterparts."