Crunch Time for Banks as Credit Trap Bites

Written by The Macster

Monday, 8 October 2007

image for Crunch Time for Banks as Credit Trap Bites
Luton Branch of RBS Greets Customers

Just two weeks after the US Sub-Prime lending crisis almost caused the collapse of Northern Rock - when fellow Banks refused to lend to the beleaguered Mortgage Provider - has seen an incredible reversal in attitude of High Street Financial Institutions.

Reports initially surfaced from Kennington High Road, where customers entering the local branch of Barclays, were set upon by masked staff armed with shotguns, who demanded that they hand over their wallets and all items of value. Even though the muggers wore thick, black balaclava's attractive victim, Gertrude Dumbuzzmark, 27, knew that they worked for the very bank that she had just innocently entered to pay in five pounds worth of one-pence pieces.

"They wore the usual blue suit that bank staff wear," Ms Dumbuzzmark told theSpoof. "And one had a name badge on his lapel that read 'Gary Garyson, Assistant Manager'. But the real clincher was when they insisted that we all complete paying-in slips for the valuables they were stealing from us. They got my purse, twenty-five pounds in cash, a Barclaycard and my Nectar Card."

Scenes like this are being repeated up and down the country as Banks, concerned about the current climate of fear in the credit lending clampdown, adopt extreme measures to retain their profits.

Staff at Lloyds TSB are being pimped by their employers down Cardiff Docks, whereas HBOS have taken to cold calling their customers to check if 'they are ok' and then invoicing them a £45 charge for the 'service' which they deduct from their account.

For Mrs Myrtle Merryfuggler of Boston, Lincolnshire, things took a turn for the worst when the Alliance and Leicester repossessed her husband when she went overdrawn by 52 pence on her account.

Lindon Wart, the CEO of Twartz Bank, defended the actions of financial insitutions today. "Look, if these 'customers' who have no savings, no income and no assets, willingly take the money that we were throwing at them, what do they expect us to do if we've lent money unwisely. Someone's got to pay and it isn't going to be us!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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