Northern Rock admits wasting money on gambling, drugs and loose women

Written by Noshing Mink

Friday, 14 September 2007

image for Northern Rock admits wasting money on gambling, drugs and loose women
Northern Rock could be demoted to a piggy bank.

Well-respected bank the Northern Rock today crawled on bended knee to the Bank of England, its older brother, begging for a loan to bail it out of a financial crisis entirely of its own making.

The Northern Rock told our reporter:

"It all started when I got a letter from another bank saying I'd been pre-approved for a credit card with a one billion pound credit limit. Sadly, I didn't read the small print."

The Northern Rock then described to us how it had blown close to a billion pounds in a few short months by:

  • Going to wild parties every night, thrown by Arab banks.
  • Dating "high maintenance" hot Swedish banks.
  • Smoking cocaine with merchant banks.
  • Blowing its money on so-called "investment" banks, which turned out to be casinos.
  • Making frequent and expensive trips to offshore banks.

The Geordie Bank will now have its credit card torn up and its jet airplanes grounded. It will also face monthly medical examinations by Price Waterhouse.

The Bank of Credit and Commerce International (BCCI), a former friend who went through similar problems a few years ago, said:

"How the mighty fall. I remember the power trip I felt when I was at my height, but nothing lasts forever. I'm now sweeping streets in Karachi. I hope that Northern Rock can escape the humiliation I suffered, as I've heard that Sunderland is a hellhole."

A spokesman for Price Waterhouse said:

"If we don't see some changes fast, then the Northern Rock will be demoted to a piggy bank. In the meantime, we are going to challenge some of these credit card charges. £25 per letter seems on the high side."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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