TheSpoof.com columnist Noshing Mink said that he felt "unwell" only days after writing a controversial story involving President Putin.
Mink, a tireless campaigner for the recognition of similarities between Harry Potter's house elf and the Russian President, said: "I woke up with a sore throat a couple of days ago and it hasn't gone away yet. I've tried hot drinks and paracetamol, but they haven't made a difference. Yesterday I discovered I was bald. That's when I became really suspicious."
Putin has a fearsome reputation for poisoning his political opponents such as former KGB spy Alexander Litvinenko and Ukraine opposition presidential candidate Viktor Yushchenko (who went from looking like Father Ted to looking like Emperor Palpatine in a few weeks).
Noshing Mink believes that some dodgy substance may have been administered to him without his knowledge, which is responsible for his current state. He is being investigated by top doctors and is under round the clock police guard, just in case Putin's cronies strike again.
He admitted "Of course, my condition could be related to the hot vindaloo and cold lagers I have every night and would explain the letter of apology from my hairdresser I found in my pocket."
