Reutupyers - Vice President Cheney confirmed today that his mother is in fact a chimpanzee, living destitute in Port Au Prince, Haiti. The Vice President broke down during the admission in taping Meet The Press.
He was about to snarl and attack Sam Donaldson, when he suddenly teared up and thrust his face into his hands,"I can't live this lie anymore! My mother is a chimpanzee, whom I haven't seen in 40 years, except to send her shipments of bananas! Haliburton is evil and should be destroyed before it is too late! President Bush wears pink flannel pyjamas to bed! I just can't keep all this inside anymore, its nearly killed me!"
Taping of the show was stopped immediately and Cokie Roberts offered to breast feed the Vice President to comfort him, while Sam Donaldson gave him a shoulder massage. "There, there Mr. Vice President, you live in a pressure cooker everyday," Roberts was quoted as saying.
"Its just so hard, and now they're planning to remove the restrooms from Air Force one and I have a weak bladder!," continued Cheney.
For the first time in the history of Meet The Press, the show has been cancelled because a guest suffered a mental breakdown. Cheney has been taken to a Washington hospital for evaluation. A decision regarding his ability to continue as veep will be made in a few days. President Bush released this statement: "We're all praying for the Vice President tonight and we thank God there were no shotguns in the room at the time and that nobody was hurt."