Yanks Liberate Cuba!

Funny story written by Denny Johnson

Saturday, 31 January 2004

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Fidel Castro: Exiled. "They took my island, and my Havana."

Key West, Florida  - A flotilla of battleships including the U.S. Navy nuclear powered Aircraft Carrier "Admiral Grimace," 100,000 war-seasoned U.S. Marines, Air-Force bombers and a combined strike-force of thousands of "special-op" troops -- marched on and into Cuba Saturday -- liberating the Island Country from Communism for the first time since 1960.

In coordinated early morning devastating raids, B-52 Bombers flew seventeen synchronized sorties as part of "Strike & Shock" bombing runs over three major Cuban destinations: Havana, Santiago, and Guama, in an effort to soften up unfriendliness and speed the invasion of ground forces.

U.S. Army tanks and armored personal Toyotas patrolled and controlled the highway interchanges outside Havana seventeen minutes after the war was declared and victory reported on CNN. Traffic on the island was snarled, and the offensive -- as one Marine reported: " very gnarly."

"The topography is similar here in Cuba," said Lance Corporal G.I. Joseph, a veteran of the Gulf-War and the Afghan police action. "Just like over there, we've got some small problems with blowing sand and difficult coastline landings, but at least they've got beach umbrellas and cabañas here."

The combined B-52 air-raids mark the first time in U.S. history since the Vietnam War where planes based at Guantanamo Bay were required to take off fly around and land at the same place as they were dropping their 2000-lb. bombs on the place.

According to the Air-Force officials, the logistics of such an operation are easier said than done at best and extensive collateral damage is likely to be expected.

Cuban Premier Fidel Castro was immediately apprehended and spirited from his luxury condominium-duplex in the suburbs of Havana by a handful of CIA operatives to an undisclosed location in International Falls Minnesota. "There's not a soul there who speaks Spanish in Minnesota so we're fairly confident Castro will no longer have any further effect on the Island or its politics at all," said a CIA spokesman anonymously to no one.

"El Comandante", as Castro is best known to his compatriots, said in a speech Friday that he did not want combat against "Yankee imperialism". But he suspected that President Bush had committed himself to trying to exterminate him and overthrow his command.

"Hey, it's a job to me, this guy [Bush], he's got some other issues I think," a relaxed and confident Castro told reporters on the CIA Lear jet en route to Minnesota.

 "Being Premier was never what it was cracked up to be anyway," said Castro. "I really preferred it in the hills with Che and the gals -- it's just the way it all works out. All I do is sleep all day and talk and eat all night anyway. I've been in Havana since 1959, with one shopping trip to New York and a visit to the UN to in all those years -- It's like, lets go, I could use some new T-shirts and the change of scenery."

"I've had to not-deal with seven or eight of these Presidents since Nixon. I can use the rest, let someone else not-deal with this Bush. Get me as far away from this one as possible -- he's not all there, he's, how do you say, he's, El Screwy."

Meanwhile at the White House -- In a four-minute televised address speaking from his desk at the Oval Office -- President George Bush lauded the armed forces for their quick and decisive victory and told U.S. citizens that his second administration -- and the wars he has planned for that one, would be -- "even better."

In his abbreviated speech President Bush cited six other countries, Anguilla, Aruba, Grenada, Haiti, Guadeloupe, and Barbados as potential danger spots in the war on terror and recommended that his controversial new initiative: "The Domino Falls Both Ways-Theory," will allow American's to rest easier knowing that their South American neighbors are under siege and the U.S. homeland is protected. The President pointed to Cuba to stress his message.

"Did we have the luxury to wait there? Do we know how many Afghan-Taliban are living on that Island today? I don't think so -- not hardly. How did they even get there?

"We already know from Navel intelligence that they're grouping together there and forming in cells, and probably plotting to attack Miami or the Austin State House -- it's just ninety miles away. We couldn't wait -- we had to act before we're required to think and re-act. In today's terror-enhanced world It's all about which way you push the Domino -- and who pushes it first."

"The beauty here," Bush told the world, "is now we can just head straight South and take over South America all the way to the Falklands. No turns, no corner, no harms. Now that we've got a foothold in the Caribbean, we're going to kick some sun-tanned ass," said the President.

According to U.S. officials there are at least 1660 detainees from 42 countries at the US military base in Guantanamo Bay. They include 115 from Saudi Arabia, and 41 siblings all of whom were employed by the Bin Laden Construction company. Most were captured in Afghanistan as part of the US "War on terror."

"The people of Cuba have been set free -- industry and capitalism will prevail," said the President. "Perhaps we can even get them a canal or something -- like we did in Panama."


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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