Tom Ridge: "Don't change your plans", climbs back into concrete bunker

Funny story written by Doug Powers

Tuesday, 23 December 2003

image for Tom Ridge: "Don't change your plans", climbs back into concrete bunker
"Threat information is specific", said Ridge, who then got unspecific.

Speaking through a wall of security guards, Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge cautioned Americans that terrorists may strike at any time, but urged them to not change travel or shopping plans.

"Terrorists want to scare us into changing our way of life. Don't let them win. Go about your daily business." Said Ridge, as he cancelled vacation plans and entered a concrete bunker 500 feet below the earth's surface.

Earlier this week, the terror threat level was raised to "orange", based on what Ridge called "specific and credible" information. When asked to get specific, Ridge was able to narrow down the target list to somewhere between New York and Los Angeles from east to west, and Valdez, Alaska, and Miami from north to south.

People in these areas are advised to be vigilant, and realize that a threat level of "orange" means that you could be blown up at any time, but that shouldn't keep you from going to Wal-Mart or flying on a commercial jet.

"If we change our behavior, they win." Added the President Bush's spokesman, Scott McClellan, as he wrapped himself in duct tape, doused himself in "Off" and #50 spf sunscreen, and headed for a basement vault carrying an AK-47, mace, and tattered VHS copy of "Red Dawn".

"Exactly", added Ridge. "Don't let them alter our way of life," As he stuffed wet towels in the crack under the door, put on a radiation suit, and notified security to "lock and load".

Should the threat level ever be raised to "red", Ridge said that his message would be "pretty much the same."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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