American Army Anal Analysis

Funny story written by matthatt

Wednesday, 14 March 2007

image for American Army Anal Analysis
General Brick Chuckerson rallying the troops.

Gay rights groups in the US have complained and made slightly effete whinging sounds after the country's top military commander said he believed homosexual acts were a bit icky and the very thought of two men kissing made him want to miss breakfast.

Marine General Brick Chuck Chuckerson, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said he backed the Pentagon's "don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding homosexuality.

The policy bans homosexual acts between members of the military unless a request form is submitted beforehand, the process then involves seeing a councillor, three weeks of electro-shock/aversion therapy, followed by a damn good kicking from a couple of rednecks they keep on the base for such eventualities. If, by this point, they still want to commit these filthy, disgusting acts of unholy perversion, then we allow them a few weeks vacation to go away and do so in the privacy of their own squalid, debauched heck hole, explained General Chuck Bricky Brickerson.

A gay rights group called the comments "a bit un-nice to gay men and women serving with honour and bravery".

Joe Moseck-Sewel, president of Human Rights Campaign, said: "What is immoral is to weaken our national security because of personal prejudices, if the faggots and the dikes wanna die too, fricking let them, he continued, its no skin off my nose. Just leaves more hot totty for us real men, I must have done it with at least twelve women this week alone, I'm so not gay, he explained." Go on! Punch me in the stomach!

Relaxed sphincters

Under the "don't ask, don't tell" policy, introduced in 1993 to relax a complete ban on gays, commanders are not allowed to enquire about the sexual orientation of their personnel unless they want to munch on their carpet or pop one in the torpedo tube, they are not allowed to ask if they just want to kick the crap out of them.

Soldiers, sailors and air force staff are not supposed to reveal their homosexuality, and are banned from engaging in homosexual acts whilst on manoeuvres, in battle and on parade in front of visiting foreign dignitaries, especially the Russians or North Koreans.

"I believe homosexual acts between two individuals of the same gender are immoral and that homosexual acts should only be conducted by people of opposite gender, General I. G. Norance told the Chicago Blowhole.

"As an individual, I would not want [acceptance of gay behaviour] to be our policy, just like I would not want it to be our policy that if we were to find out that so-and-so was sleeping with somebody else's wife, that we would just look the other way, which we do not. We prosecute that kind of immoral behaviour," he said, as well smack the living daylights out of anyone who is stupid enough to get caught doing it.

After the controversy broke out, the General issued a statement seeking to defuse criticism, as his wife, Lady Bernard Norance dropped the bombshell that she is also in fact a man.

He did not apologise but said he "should have focused more on my support of the policy and less on my personal moral views regarding how abhorrent the filthy little poo nudgers are".

Critics of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy say it is discriminatory and also counterproductive - as it may undermine recruitment as the US military and there is a whole load of Arab men out there who are not adverse to a bit of "sharing the wisdom" as the ancient Greeks used to euphemise it.

A 2005 government audit said 10,000 troops, including more than 50 specialists in Arabic, have discharged, despite the policy.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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